The End of Season Awards part 4 - Teams of the Year

We bid farewell to the 2013-14 season at long last, with the teams of the year.

There's only one place to finish, and between now and then we have to find somewhere to start, so...

the What Were You Thinking Worst Signings of the Season XI

MAARTEN STEKELENBERG

Since we have to have a keeper and this one lost his place to David Stockdale and then got relegated, he seemed as good a choice as any. 

FERNANDO AMOREBIETA

Some minor difficulties with not having a clue in fuck how to defend, but apart from that...

ANTOLIN ALCARAZ

Probably wasn't even actually a footballer until he bumped into Roberto Martinez in a pub and decided to make a bet ("if you lose, you have to sign me"). 

FLORIAN MARANGE

Few transfers went as apocalyptically wrong as this one. Ian Holloway called him slow, they released him in October, Ian Holloway now has Danny Shittu for a captain, so he should be learning a thing or two about running through treacle. 

ERIK LAMELA

Your nan would've put Erik Lamela in. An unqualified disaster. 

MAROUANE FELLAINI

Didn't even get a proper chance to do any good chest control. Somehow miraculously failed to fit in with the Premier League champions. 

STEWART DOWNING

Makes the team because he cost £6,000,000 and still never does anything unless the opposition does it for him. 

JOZY ALTIDORE

I'm not going to labour the point. One goal this time, one goal last time. He's a one-goal wonder. What we're all wondering is how he's still making a living from this game. 

RICKY VAN WOLFSWINKLE

Things didn't go brilliantly for Ricky, or quite well, or half decent, or okay...

ROBERTO SOLDADO

Those 6 goals at least mean he outscored Torres. But if we subtract penalty kicks he finished on two. That's £13m per goal. 

DANI OSVALDO

Italian nutter managed one absolute pearler, and then he smashed Jose Fonte's face inside out before pissing off back to Italy. 

That's One Team Down, 

now only as many as we can think of to go. 

the Money Well Spent Best Signings XI

 SIMON MIGNOLET

Yes he flaps at crosses, but nobody really bought goalies last Summer. Congratulations Simon Mignolet, making the team due to an overwhelming lack of alternatives.

DEJAN LOVREN

Some would say he's no Jos Hooiveld. Some would say he didn't do all that badly.
FERNANDINHO
Certainly made a not inconsiderable impression in his first season after being bought in for an absolutely monumental transfer fee, which he has almost sort of partially justified.
JAMES McCARTHY
Eyebrows weren't raised when Robbie went back to Wigan to bag ol' Jimmy McCarthy at the end of the August window. Eyebrows were raised, however, when it turned out to be a pretty decent move.
JASON PUNCHEON
What else is there to say about the prolific wideman? Many goals, comparatively fewer assists, but he had a couple of special moments all to hisself.
WILLIAN
Star man for Chelsea, had good work let down by the fact they still own Torres.
CHRISTIAN ERIKSEN
Far too good to spend another season pissing his career away at White Hart Lane. Denmark's answer to Luka Modric will surely bugger off at the end of next season when Tottenham finish 5th or 6th or, heaven forfend, 7th.
ROMELU LUKAKU
The only loan signing in the team makes the team because, bloody hell, isn't he good? Quite a lot better than that Fernando Whatsisface who Jose seems to think still has some potential to reverse what is now a solid 4 years of just being crap.
LOIC REMY
Okay, so not the only loan signing in the team, but shut up no-one asked you. Scored many many goals but they dried up as the team plummeted, nonetheless if you look at all the transfers that took place in 2013-14 his impact was at least worthy of a place in the top-11.
WILFRIED BONY
6 weeks ago his season had been mostly quite 'meh' - suddenly goals against Villa and Sunderland's respectively disastrous defences has made him something of a God. People naming him 'signing of the season' - two months ago you wouldn't have given him the Bronze Toilet Seat for doing Pretty Well. Jury should still be out on his immobility, total lack of movement off the ball and the fact he seems to have his first name on his shirt.
ALVARO NEGREDO
Yes the goals dried up, but you try finding 11 names from a list that's mostly pants.

We shall now have a brief interlude as we look over BBC Sport's out-of-contract XI, in a segment called "BBC Sport's Out-of-Contract XI : Why It Should Stay That Way".
Mark Schwarzer : Didn't do awfully at Chelsea. Not by any means. It wasn't his fault they lost the title and the Champions League. He wasn't brilliant, but he wasn't terrible. He is, however, older than time itself, and unless there is a team out there that wants a goalkeeper who needs assistance to get back up every time his artificial hip collapses, then, well, he probably just ought to jack it in. 
John Heitinga : Okay, so he shouldn't actually retire, but his performances for Fulham in the second half of last season were rarely even average, and his performances for Everton have always been not only few-and-far-between, but also largely indifferent. 
Rio Ferdinand : He is slightly slower moving than a dead ocelot in an abandoned coal-mine, but apart from that. Things decompose faster than Rio Ferdinand moves. Not only abysmally slow with his massive stone boots, but also just an impossibly annoying human being, the further he gets away from my hobbies and interests the more I'll be able to enjoy them, and the less I'll have to yell at my telly. 
Joleon Lescott : Should stay a free transfer because it'll save him the trouble of having to stand up and leave his permanent position in the home dugout at the Etihad. 
Ashley Cole : Should stay on the free transfer list because he's past it. He might know how to defend, but he doesn't have the legs to attack, and as commentators are at pains to tell us it's such an important part of the modern game, just as much a part of the modern game as rubbish commentators repeating the same tired pseudo-analytical drivel. 
Steve Sidwell : Ginger Steve certainly doesn't deserve another crack at the big time. His immobility, his lack of a sufficient influence, his hair and his passing are all good reasons he should start next season controlling the midfield for Fleetwood or Hartlepool. 
Frank Lampard : Once again, another player who doesn't quite move as well as very very old people.
Gareth Barry : And oh look, it's the one man foul machine, the man who makes Paul Scholes' tackles look well-timed, and also a man who moves slower than furniture moves by itself. 
Joe Cole : You'd hesitate to even call him a professional these days. Waddling up and down the wing, having absolutely no influence, looking for all the world like he thinks he's Nani or something. 
Nicklas Bendtner : The man with THAT hair, and THAT total lack of even remote talent. Finally, finally Arsenal can move on from the catastrophe that has been his seemingly never-ending contract. 
Samuel Eto'o : He should only stay a free because it would be ludicrously expensive to make him anything else.

RIGHT, that's three-down. Moving swiftly on we'll get right down to the...

Nice Work Team of the Year

 DAVID MARSHALL 

The only reason Cardiff City didn't finish bottom of the...oh wait...still, made some pretty blinding saves.

LEIGHTON BAINES
PFA Team of the Year featured £30m Manchester United target and provider of no goals and one assist Mr Luke Shaw, which pales in comparison to Baines' contribution. With his help they managed to get quite close to Champions League qualification.
JOHN TERRY
Even Wayne Bridge would have to admit JT has been the man this season.
GARY CAHILL
Again, impossible to overlook the contribution of Gaz in helping Chelsea concede ten goals fewer than any other team in the division.
PABALAB ZABALABALAB
As I know he likes to be called. Seamus Coleman contributed goals, Pabalab contributed brilliantness. Gets in also as a nod to City's defensive record this season.
YAYA TOURE
Ahh Yaya. Do I need to say anything? Apparently I do in case he goes off on one. So, in two words : fucking brilliant.
STEVEN GERRARD
Of course he's in the fucking team, now let's all get on with our lives.
AARON RAMSEY
Yes he was injured, but for stats alone he kicks the shit out of everyone; including Adam Lallana, who he batters for goals and assists with an 18 game discrepancy in appearances.
LUIS SUAREZ

Second highest assists, ten goals ahead of everyone else. Yeah, he just about makes it. 

DANIEL STURRIDGE

Blah blah blah goals, blah blah blah assists. Moving on.

WAYNE ROONEY

Suarez has the most-highest number of things, then it's Yaya, DS and Stevie G. In 5th place, with the 5th most things, with 27 'things' (goals & assists) in 27 games, it's Wazza Roonaldo, and that's good enough for us.   

FINALLY

HERE

WE ARE

THE

MOMENT

YOU'VE BEEN WAITING FOR

ALL YOUR LIFE

IT'S THE 2013-2014

BARCLAYS PREMIER LEAGUE

USELESS
TWATS
OF
THE
YEAR
XI

JOE HART

The phrase 'temporarily displaced in the team by Costel Pantilimon' is enough to get anyone a place in the Useless Twats XI. Admittedly, he had good moments, but they were all overshadowed by those few weeks when he sat on the bench watching Dracula play for Manchester City.

MARC WILSON
Played his way into the team with some catastrophic defending. Don't be surprised in the Summer if he goes on holiday and gets mistaken for a deckchair or done for pace by some paella.  

JOHN O'SHEA
Disgracefully poor season from the skipper. If he continues being paid to play football next season then the entire human race needs to take a long hard look at itself.

RUSSELL MARTIN
A mainstay of the weekly Useless Twats XIs throughout the latter stages of the season, and for a very good reason. It's not that he lacks pace or enthusiasm, he can't actually defend. We once said you should watch him to learn how not to defend, and we still highly recommend it.

LIAM RIDGEWELL
Apocalyptically useless 'full-back'; regularly seen last season being skinned by lampposts and office blocks. Watching Liam Ridgewell try and keep up with a pacey winger is like watching a 97yr old woman with rheumatic knees trying to keep up with a ground-to-air missile. 

ALEX TONEV
Failing to yet supply either goal or assist, this Bulgarian flops his way into the XI with aplomb.

GEORGE BOYD

Two goals and one assist in twenty-nine games suggests Georgie Boy(d) might be a little bit out of his depth. The fact that he is very much drowning in the deep ocean of the Barclays Premier League will be little surprise to those amongst us who knew that obviously he would. Should be on his way back to where he belongs for the start of next season, but in fact he'll probably end up continuing as a professional footballer.

MICHAEL CARRICK
Twenty-nine games and zero assists is genuinely disgraceful. Less of a Rolls Royce, more of a dead whale carcass with a harpoon in it's face.

JOZY ALTIDORE

What more needs to be said about this one goal machine?

FERNANDO TORRES
People will insist on focusing on the likes of Ricky Van Wolfswinkle, but when you're on £13.9m a year and you play a whole season without injury and you get outscored by Seamus Coleman you must be at least a bit of a useless twat.

RICKY VAN WOLFSWINKLE
Naturally we couldn't leave the Dutchman out. Though Norwich could, but only if they could find a cod sandwich or a bottle of ointment to play in his place. 

And that's that ladies and gentlemen, we'll be back soon for the World Cup. In the meantime, find something else to fucking do for fucks sake. For now it's goodbye from me, and it's goodbye from him...

The End of Season Awards part 3 - Team Awards (probably)

Right then, no sense wasting time, let's crack on...

 the Portsmouth award for Least Surprising Relegation

Only a few nominees knocking around here. Yeovil Town top the list given their tiny ground, tiny status, tiny budget and tiny hopes it wasn't anything of a surprise when they plumetted back down to League One. Paul Dickov always felt like a one-man recipe for disaster, and Barnsley were always earmarked for the drop. But I have thus far ignored the Football Conference, and so now I want to pay a little tiny bit of homage to it, as we reward Hyde's minus 119 goal difference.

 the Bloody Hell award for How Did They Stay Up!
First of all, Portsmouth. I mean usually you'd just stick a fiver on them to go down whatever division they actually happen to be in. Sunderland can't be ignored given their 'miracle'. Birmingham is a name that has to be thrown into the ring, just because it's surprising for any team to survive being that awful. Milwall are in a similar boat, having sucked for so long only to do a Sunderland and haul themselves out of the muck. Blackpool survived at least half a season without winning, as did Leeds United. Notts County maintained their status as a League One club in spite of an appalling beginning and middle to the season. Gillingham survived hiring Peter Taylor, Northampton survived in spite of the majority of their campaign, and Wycombe survived equally against the odds. It's very hard to ignore the pre-season relegation favourites in the Premier League - Hull and Palace have done exceptionally, one more so than the other. Coventry got docked some points and Oldham's 15th place is genuinely credible. Once again there's a tough decision and a very poor decision-maker, so let's give it to Sunderland, because after all it was a 'miracle', and we do of course live in hope that claiming an award will prompt Gus to do THAT celebration. 

the Well You Always Thought They Would award for Least Surprising Promotion
Only one place to start - Molineux. After back-to-back relegations it was unthinkable that Wolves' talented squad would do anything except romp through League One, and romp they did, to the tune of 103 points. It was equally unthinkable that with their ridiculously unsustainable expenditure QPR would still be playing in the Championship in 2014-15, it's relatively more surprising that Leicester have made it even though they too splashed out to get there, Brentford as beaten play-off finalists were naturally one of the favourites and they have indeed risen out of League One, Scunthorpe's acquisitions and Chesterfield's clout understandably gave them high expectations, but this award can only ever go to one place. Congratulations Kenny Jackett on what was barely even a relatively minor triumph. I got my toaster to work again after three weeks on the fritz and that's basically a greater achievement.

the Wow, Seriously? award for Greatest Underachievement
We actually start with a lot people's pre-season favourites, Chelsea and their lack of silverware. People will, of course, talk about United, and that's fair enough because their season was apocalyptically bad, but at the same time hilarious. Reading coming 7th is surely underachievement, from beaten play-off finalists to 13th is a pretty weak showing from Watford, and there's a decent case to be made for giving this award to AC Milan, but actually it goes to the Bundesliga, where Hamburg amassed an impressively poor 27 points en-route to avoiding relegation on away goals, which can't be something that happens all too often.
 

 Worst Play-off Performance
We'll start at the top and work our way down. Wigan were somewhat poor after going ahead in the second leg against QPR. But their failings don't quite match up to Brighton. Let's be honest they were nowhere near good enough to go up anyway, but they could've at least pretended. From the moment Matt Upson clumsily took out Craig Forsyth, Brighton didn't have a convincing moment in the tie. Moving into League One we get another shoddy display, but this time from the favourites, who were deservedly put out by Russell Slade's Leyton Orient. A team that spent a million pounds on a striker and say they wouldn't accept five million to sell him, versus a club that wouldn't sell for a million pounds unless the deal came with a cheque for £999,999 thrown in. Seemingly Preston couldn't top that, they had some difficult circumstances, but the last half hour of their tie with Rotherham was such a pathetic effort they more than earn their nomination. York City's failure to come up with even a Plan A let alone a Plan B may have somewhat let them down. So actually the only losing team that didn't let itself down was Southend United. But this isn't the award for team that most didn't let itself down. This is the award for team that was most Peterboro...I meant rubbish, but I said Peterborough. Probably given it away haven't I? I bet I have...



the Pascal Cygan award for Worst Arsenal Performance of the Year

 Nominees include Chelsea away (6-0), Liverpool away (5-1), Everton away (3-0) and Manchester City away (6-3). And the winner is yes, you guessed it, Chelsea away, the biggest margin and the most emphatic shit-kicking.



Right then, just one post to go...

The End of Season Awards part 2 - Manager awards

Yes, we are only one quarter of the way through. But don't worry, that's mostly the individual player of the year awards over, now into the relatively less exciting territory of manager awards...

 And we begin with...

 
Best Fulham Manager of the Year
Three nominees in this category. The season started with Martin 'we meet again Mr Bond' Jol, continued with the ever jolly Rene Meulensteen, and ended with Penfold. After almost no deliberation, the award goes to Felix Magath, mainly for the glasses. 
 

the Abroad Award for best English coach not coaching in England
Nominees include Brian Deane...and...erm...does Terry Butcher count? I suppose that really might depend on when you're reading this. To avoid accidentally treading on the toes of heated political debate, we'll give it to Brian...well deserved...(probably). 

Tactical Abomination of the Year award
A big one this, and incredibly difficult to choose between a lot of very average managerial displays.  We start in predictable territory, though having said that choosing one nominee from David Moyes' season of potential candidates wasn't easy; we're going with Fulham at home, for the sheer banging-your-head-against-a-brickwalledness of it. Next on our list is a former United legend, now turned professional full-time Norwegian, Ole Gunnar Solskjaer for his 'leave a giant gaping hole in the middle' tactic that failed somewhat spectacularly to achieve the desired result in the South Wales derby. The Arsenal nominee was tough; the margin did it in the end, they only lost by 3 goals margins at Goodison and the Etihad, and only 4 at Anfield, whereas Chelsea smashed them for the full 6, so that's what we're going with. Tim Sherwood's spectacular incompetence was never more potent than away to Liverpool; as a centre-midfield of Nabil Bentaleb and Gylfi Sigurdsson somehow managed to get the absolute shite kicked out of it. Strange one that. It's also difficult to ignore a manager who goes to Sheffield Wednesday and loses 6-0, it's also difficult to ignore a team selection which features three centrebacks, wingbacks, two wingers, two centremidfielders and a very small loan striker, with the team's resident beanpole suddenly dropped to the bench the first time the team actually plays with wingers. On the subject of Leeds United, Lee Clark's Birmingham City had a bit of a disastrous season, but their away drubbing at Elland Road was uniquely incompetent, as they defended with all the strength and resilience of sardines in a bucket, playing a tactic that couldn't have made any less sense if it was the sentence 'about in french banana an kitten what science'. Bayern Munchen might be the surprise nominee, we were going to put them in for their abysmal work on defending set pieces, we've instead gone for the Real Madrid home leg, where it was broke and Pep Guardiola didn't fix it. We also took some glee in watching the most boring manager in the world's passing-to-death tactic (or tiki-taka as some people will insist upon calling it) being bought crashing to its knees, where it now remains with the butt of a pistol on the back of its tedious neck. Jose Mourinho also bagged a late nomination for throwing Sammy Eto'o on against Atletico Madrid when the situation couldn't have done less to warrant it, and Felix Magath, in spite of winning the Fulham Manager of the Year award, does get a nomination for playing Dan Burn, the worlds tallest and worst balanced man as a full-back in a must-win game against Stoke. I imagine Penfold is still wondering quite how they managed to get battered in that one. That's about all I can remember so let's go ahead and hand out this bad-boy, ladies and gentleman nod with appreciation for, oh I don't know, let's say Tim Sherwood, because just Nabil Bentaleb, Nabil bloody Bentaleb.

the Edgar Davids award for Strangest Managerial Appointment
We move onto stranger ground now, by looking at those appointments that really did leave us going 'are you fucking kidding me?' (we did consider naming this award the '900-1 rank outsider award for Strangest Managerial Appointment' but at the end of the day who cares). Nominees begin with AC Milan and the appointment of a Botafogo attacking midfielder to replace Serie A winning coach Massimo Allegri. Barnsley confirmed their relegation by drafting Danny Wilson back in from the 1990s, West Brom's Pepe Mel experiment didn't quite deliver the goods as he bought home 3 wins in 17 matches, while Watford also went foreign and obscure with the impressively left-field appointment of journeyman Italian Giuseppe Sannino. Also back from the 1990s was John Gregory who returned not just to football but planet Earth with Crawley Town, he was joined on the returning bus from Mars by former Leicester and one-game England boss Peter Taylor, who replaced Martin Allen at Gillingham. Middlesbrough managed to draft in and retain the services of former Real Madrid assistant coach Aitor Karanka, Nottingham Forest technically secured the services of Stuart 'calling him a halfwit would be offensive to halfwits' Pearce during the 2013-14 season, while Blackpool replaced left-field appointment Paul Ince with the even left-fielder appointment of Barry 'I'm about as inspirational as a kebab' Ferguson. And all of this has failed to mention Charlton, who just seem to have hired some guy, and who have now replaced him with some other guy. Felix Magath gets a nod, but only a nod because his predecessor was definitely the strangest appointment of the many Fulham made through 2013-14, Garry Monk also gets only a little more than a nod, and that's partially because Ole Gunnar Solskjaer trumps him given that he rejected the Aston Villa job to take on an even more poisoned challice. We now have to think about who we're actually going to give this award over to, and while there are no shortage of nominees, and we have sensibly excluded anyone hired before the season began, it still was a very tough call. So we made it easier by choosing at random. So congratulations...err...(*picks random number between one and whatever*)...Clarence Seedorf. Though, in fact, at the time of publication Clarence's strange appointment has probably been outdone by his replacement, the equally random and inexperienced Pippo Inzaghi.

the Nice Work award for Doing a Well-Good Job
Unfortunately the nominees are a bit obvious for this one. Tony Pulis for winning more than he lost despite owning Damien Delaney, Brendan Rogers for getting Joe Allen to sometimes pass forwards instead of sideways, Sean Dyche for gettin...actually, sorry Sean, but I'm not going to praise you for getting Burnley promoted to the Premier League, I just can't do it. Moving on swiftly, Nigel Pearson for crushing the 100 points mark between his sturdy buttcheeks, Eddie Howe-did-you-do-that?, Russell Slade for his odds defiance, Antonio Conte for a record points haul, Steve Evans for being able to put his own shoes on his own feet even though he hasn't seen them in 10 years, Mick McCarthy for at least making some quite shiny metal with total dogcrap, Steve McLaren for blah blah blah, Russ Wilcox for winning, Ian Holloway because Milwall survived (again, I'm not giving you an award for doing that you bastard), Mauricio Pocchettino for managing Rickie Lambert into a World Cup squa...actually there it is. Nice Work Mauricio, and by 'Nice Work' I mean 'Fucking Miraculous Work'.

You're probably thinking, "where's Diego Simeone in all this?", well he was disqualified because some managers are actually genuinely in a league (or category) all of their own...
 

the Atletico Madrid award for Diego Simeone of the Year
This award goes to the absolutely most miraculous work done in the 2013-14 season. If you'd have said, I mean you just wouldn't. I mean talk about showing them how it's done. Jose talking about works in progress with his millions and billions, Dave talking about a transition with his Wayne Rooney, Arsene acting like 1 F.A. Cup in 9 years is okay, Arsene who has outspent Diego by 10:1 to bring home 1 Champions League final appearance in his career, and 1 F.A. Cup and no title challenges in 9 years, is just one of thousands of managers who looks like a total prick in comparison. You might've guessed the winner of the Diego Simeone of the Year award, it's Diego Simeone (though the less said about his hair the better). 

the Tony Adams award for sucking at management

 In the interests of quitting while we're not too far behind, this will be the final management award of the evening, and it's a biggie. This is not a one-off abomination, this is an award for a running disaster. Let's see who's first on the list. Oh look, it's David Moyes, but I don't need to go over well-trodden ground, let's talk about Arsene Wenger. I'm not angry at him, just the way people talk about his tedious and predictable team, here's just some of what annoys me; praise of their 'good football' which is conspicuous by its absence whenever they play anyone half decent (see away performances at Everton, Liverpool, Chelsea and Man City for details of how hard shit can get kicked out of a team featuring Olivier Giroud), and commentators musing on where they'll finish when the last 9 seasons should give them something of a fucking clue. Moving on, we couldn't ignore Paulo Di Canio's impressively ill-fated reign at Sunderland. This is the man who squandered his budget on one-goal superstar Jozy Altidore, and otherwise purchased an entire squad of middling Swiss League blokes without the quality between them to make a half-decent Championship player, then proceeded to berate himself out of the job, flapping about like a giraffe falling out of a helicopter, and landing with all the grace of a giraffe being hit by several buses. It's also impossible to overlook Alan Pardew and a season that's gone from bad to worse and then continued tanking into the ocean where everyone seems to have drowned. Dougie Freedman failed to impress, as his side struggled to break out of mid-table obscurity while the club he abandoned flourished in the Premier League. Lee Clark was conspicuously appalling at Birmingham, admittedly in the very adverse circumstances that see him duck a serious shot at the Tony Adams award, and I'm afraid Ole is not Gunnar duck another nomination here, while Brian McDermott manages his way onto the list, and though it may seem harsh Darren 'not exactly a chip off the old block' Ferguson gets a nomination because with the players and resources at his disposal Posh should've walked all over League One and they just absolutely didn't. But he's not getting the award, neither is Brian or Ole or Lee or Paul or Dougie or Al or Paulo or Arsene. You know who's getting the award, don't you David. Did you really think you'd be able to get away with it?

RIGHT, that's the manager awards, let's push right on and we might get through everything by next Winter. Wrap up warm, it's time for the team awards...

The End of Season Awards part 1 - Individual Player Awards (mostly)

Not just the end of season awards, also the point where we stop talking about what has happened, and shift our focus to the Worldington Cup. But that's not for a while yet, so strap in and get ready for multiple posts and some of the most pointless, stupid and inane awards ever conceived, including the Not All There award for Nuttiest Chairman, and the ever prestigious Holy Fuck award for Best Goal against Norwich.

the You Useless Bastard award for Most Worst Striker.

Leading the nominees we have Fernando Torres, for his not even remotely impressive contribution of five Premier League goals. Robbie Soldado was ruled out of the running 'cos he got six, admittedly four were penalties, but six is at least not in the same class as the one goal genius of Johan Elmander, but then Johan wasn't nearly as costly a signing as fellow one goaller Ricky Van Wolfswinkle. They're all worthy candidates, but the award goes to a man whose achievements were particular and unique and special, a man whose team achieved a 'miracle', a 'miracle' they only achieved once they benched him, so step forward Mr Jozy Altidore.

the Michael Brown award for Nutter of the Year

This award is for 2013-14's biggest nutter. So, without further ado. Nominees this year include Big Al Pardew for 'nuzzling David Meyler', the regular favourite Lee Cattermole, Ruben Rayos for 'a tackle so bad it postponed Rafi Dahan's wedding', Taras Stepanenko for 'kicking a Moldova player's face off', Diego Simeone for 'Losing it. Absolutely losing it' and Ramires for 'trying to obliterate Karim el Ahmadi's shins', but actually the winner is certified nutjob Mohammed Al-Fayed not just for saying that moving the Jacko statue got Fulham relegated, but also for suggesting that Shahid Khan might wake up and 'ask for it back', realising his 'error' in getting rid of the 'statue', to be fair it's not like what Fulham need is more inanimate objects.

 the Bebe award for Worst Manchester United Cast-Off 

Without requiring (or inspiring) a lot of thought it very quickly became a dead heat between John O'Shea and Wes Clown, and though the decision was very tough, our panel (aka Me), only came to a decision on the final day, when John O'Shea got turned inside out like a sock by the mighty Marvin Emnes, and his ten month goal drought, to cap an appalling season for the incompetent Irishman.

the Demba Ba Moment of the Year award

This award is given out for the finest Demba Ba moment of the year, there are two contenders in this category - the last minute winner against Paris and the tidy but crucial finish at Anfield. After a minimal volume of mental application, we've gone for the latter. Incidentally guys, do you remember when Liverpool were odds on to win the title? Seems like a longggg time ago now doesn't it.

the All By Myself award for One Man Teams

 At the end of the day, it would've been insulting to nominate anyone else for this award. People will always talk about certain teams relying on certain players, but this man really did do it all by himself. Without McCormack and his 29 goals, Leeds would've finished far adrift at the bottom of the Championship. How he was overlooked for Championship Player of the Season is beyond me : 8 more goals than Danny Ings whilst playing in a considerably more terrible team. Here's some advice; in individual awards being phenomenal in an appalling team should actually count in your favour.

the Holy Fuck award for Best Goal against Norwich

For nominees you've got Luis Suarez's belter, that Jack Wilshere goal, and Raheem Stirling's strike at Carrow Road. The problem with all these goals is the opposition, scoring against Norwich this season was as difficult as scoring past ducks. However, we have made a decision. The Arsenal goal is criminally overrated, and Suarez's goal is better than Stirling's, so there you go. Luis Suarez is our winner.

 

the Phil Dowd award for Most Appalling Refereeing Decision

Nominees include Howard Webb for 'the Luis Suarez-Oxlade Chamberlain penalty cock up at Arsenal', Mike Jones for the 'Chieck Tiote offside fiasco', Andre Marriner for 'the Gibbs-Oxlade Chamberlain Wrong Man Kefuffle', Mike Riley for 'apologising to West Brom', and Phil Dowd for 'the entirity of Liverpool vs Newcastle'. It was a tough call, except it wasn't in the end. Step forward Mike Riley, how dare you apologise for one contentious penalty decision and not for the thousands of decisions your officials got wrong up and down the country you colossal, ginormous and staggeringly incompetent arse. We don't want to labour the point, we've got a lot to get through, but just because one penalty was a bit soft, but also garnered a lot of media attention, doesn't mean you fucking apologise, and how can you apologise for one poor decision as opposed to a gillion out-and-out wrong ones? In conclusion, we're not sure why Mike hasn't tendered his resignation given that in one incident he managed to demonstrate pretty strongly how much he really doesn't know how to do his job.

 

Slip of the Year

Such a tough one to call. One nominee in this category. Steven Gerrard, come on down...

the How on Earth award for what was he still doing contracted to a Premier League club?
This award rewards the most ridiculous presence in the 2013-14 season, the most ridiculous signed employement contract to be legally binding during 2013-14. It's understandably a very tough one to call. You'd expect us to say our winner is Alex Bruce, Paul McShane or any one of a number of Sunderland players. But in fact our winner is still contracted, somewhat miraculously, to Arsenal...can you tell who it is yet? Yes, that's right, it's the genius who thought that was a good haircut. Congratulations Nicklas Bendtner, you oaf.

the Juan Sebastian Veron award for Biggest Waste of Money
We start with £26m Robbie Soldado, but he's trumped by fellow nominee Marouane Fellaini and his inflated price tag, the actual winner of this award is a striker who was outscored by Seamus Coleman whilst bagging a £13.9m annual salary. Yes, that's right, with his total failure to even partially justify it, we've finally found an award to give to Fernando Torres.  

 

the Right at the Death award for Last Minute Stuff
Dwight Gayle's stuff against Liverpool was pretty last minute, but it was trumped by the magnitude of Bobby Zamora's last minute play-off stuff. Paul Caddis' header for Birmingham was about as last minute as they come, while Gareth Bale's wonder goal against Barca wasn't quite last minute enough to be a credible candidate. Hamilton's last second strike against Hibs that eventually paved the way for a huge turn-around last week naturally gets itself a deserving nomination, if only for the look on Terry Butcher's face. Ousamma Assaidi's winner for Stoke was beautiful, Bryan Oviedo's last minute winner at Old Trafford was a thing of beauty, but once again this award was a no contest affair. Take a bow Sergio Ramos; because no moment really quite rewrote the story of a season like this one. Real went from failures to La Decima, Atletico went from elation to dejection, Carlo Ancelotti went from being sacked to being a hero, and Diego Simeone went from the brink of immortality to Nutter of the Year nominee.

 the Not All There award for Nuttiest Chairman
Topping the list of nominees is Vincent Tan, the nutter who doesn't know the rules of the sport he's invested in, who sacked the much-loved Malky Mackay (at best harsh), and drafted in a random Norwegian (at best abominable), and then looked surprised when the team plumetted out of the division. Competing with Tan, we've got Shahid Khan, who took that monumentally stupid decision to get rid of the Jacko statue. Anyone who doesn't take into account nutty statues of random pop icons when considering his teams fortune, who focuses on 'buying players' and 'trying to win football matches' has to go down as a cast iron nutter (Also, right, why is the statue in colour? What kind of fucking statue comes in colour?). Hull owner Assem Allam gets an obvious nod for trying to change the name, though he was at least spot on when he called Hull City "irrelevent", even if that wasn't what he meant. He also gets extra credit in the field of nuttyness because Hull's global potential as a brand is pretty much maxed out, people in Singapore are not suddenly going to start chanting George Boyd's name just because his team sounds like it plays Rugby League. The owners of PSG get a nod for recently sanctioning a £40m bid for David Luiz; £40m for a defender who can't defend, why not just spend it on Liam Ridgewell or flush it down the toilet? But this is all just filler, there was only ever going to be one winner, a man whose grasp of economics belies the fact he isn't bankrupt. Congratulations, Tony Fernandes. You're thinking "nutty" and "Malaysian" must mean Vincent Tan, except QPR were permitted to make an £8m loss last season, and managed to just about eclipse that to the tune of £65m. Hold on, I'll get my calculator out. I mean, where do you even lose that money? £10m on players, a lot in the Championship, but what the fuck did Harry do with the rest? (he said speculatively, wondering whether HMRC have anything better to do than continuously monitor Harry's dog's bank account). It's also worth asking who has a resale value. Out of everyone bought in under Harry, who can they make some money back off of - Richard Dunne? Err, probably not. Aaron Hughes? Yossi Benayoun? Gary O'Neill? Karl Henry? Jermaine Jenas? Ohhh wait, they're all a) expensive, and b) old. Sanctioning a transfer policy that makes less sense than Emmanuel Adebayor is nutty enough for me. 

the It's Not For Anything Good He Did award for Most Shocking World Cup Call-up
This is for the player who contributed nothing in 2013-14 and yet will be out there wasting space on the biggest stage in world sport. Let's begin with big Shola Ameobi, because he's in Nigeria's initial 30-man squad, but last I checked Sunderland weren't actually going to the World Cup, so who's he going to score against? Also getting a nod here we've got Adnan Januzaj, because in spite of his age is 4 goals and 3 assists in 27 games really worth a place in a pretty special Belgium squad? Is it really worth a place in any half-decent squad, I mean would that even be good enough for a lesser nation like Uzbekistan, or England? I'll move on to more obvious candidates, like bloated ageing rockstar Niko Kranjcar who will be facing the hosts in Group A, Ben Foster who mysteriously displaced John Ruddy, Giorgos Karagounis who once had a sit-down lunch with Aristotle, Karim Rekik who is both anonymous and in the Dutch squad, Park Chu-Young whose impact on last season was as impressive as Margaret Thatcher's, Fernando Torres who is as deadly these days as a stuffed dolphin, and recent winner of the Michael Ricketts award, Jozy Altidore, who couldn't score a goal with an infinitely large net, an infinite number of footballs and an infinite amount of time in which to try. However in spite of these excellent candidates, there was only ever one likely winner for this award, give a big hand for the risible talents of Nabil Bentaleb; in the Algeria squad even though Tim Sherwood isn't the manager. I assume Vahid Halilhodžić is the Bosnian equivalent; expect his World Cup to consist of a lot of shouting and even greater quantities of coming up with the most appallingly lame-brained, half-arsed 'tactics' ever conceived by humankind (I would like to stress that wasn't as much a pop at  Vahid Halilhodžić, which is just a name to me, as it was a pop at that incompetent boob whose name rhymes with Pim Cherwood).

 the Since We Did That We'd Better Do This award for Most Shocking World Cup Omission
Kicking us off, it's burn victim and top quality Juve striker Carlos Tevez, omitted from the Argentina squad at the expense of Franco Di Santo, the only striker in history to make Ricky Van Wolfswinkle look prolific. Considering the man who made that call will actually be managing Argentina at the finals, I probably wouldn't bother having a bet on them (though at least it isn't Diego Maradona this time, a man who is to tactical ingenuity what John Terry is to the renaissance). France will be going without Samir Nasri, or a hope in hell, they've also left that behind. Let Samir finally reach the peak of his powers, and then decide no, actually, we're going to take Clement Grenier, a player who plays the same position but with a lot less talent, skill and class. Also, let's leave behind Gael Clichy, we'd rather have Paris Saint-Germain's second choice left-back at the finals. The USA leave out a player with more World Cup goals than anyone at the finals apart from Klose and Drogba, Landon Donovan, in favour of a striker who has fewer EPL goals in 53 EPL games than Dwight Gayle has goals in the last 15 minutes against Liverpool on the 5th May. Brazil leave out Atletico Madrid heroes Felipe Luis and Miranda but do select in their places ageing Paris full-back Maxwell and some guy who played 10 games for Napoli last term. They also significantly omit Lucas Moura, but think Man City reject Jo is good enough to put in an appearance at a farmers market let alone a World Cup. Still, look, someone has to get this award, and we're going for Samir because it's the first name that came into my head when I started typing. 

the Greg Dyke award for Gee, That's a Good Idea
The award goes to the single nominee, Mr Dyke. League Three, there's an idea. Let's invent a league. Fuck you Southend, Northampton, etc etc. We're going to make up a league, then we're going to invent some meaningless teams no-one gives a fuck about, and we're going to ruin your competitions  for the sake of some not even remotely tangible ends. Let's ruin the football league for everyone, let's make that competition totally unwatchable, so that maybe Liverpool get a slightly better holding midfielder who they don't have to pay for. Let's have a competitive league, but then let's draft in some teams that aren't allowed to win anything and expect that to make sense of itself. The problem isn't coaching, not at all, the problem isn't a very very poor standard of youth coaching, nope, the problem is that we haven't invented some teams and artificially transplanted them into the football league. And who else was on the crack team charged with saving English football, when English football needed help, who did Greg turn to...Howard Wilkinson? That may be a surprise to those of you who forgot he existed when he drifted into irrelevency in 1902. Rio Ferdinand? The only human being on the world less articulate than a desk lamp, a man who thought that a football version of the fucking Oscars was a good idea. Danny Mills? Notable for being a) bald and b) Robbie Savage's mate, and of course Glenn Hoddle; A man who said "The karma is working from another lifetime" - It really is a miracle these recommendations turned out to be such total fucking horse manure, but then again maybe it's just karma coming round to fuck football up 'cos of something it did when it was just peasants kicking farm animals through the (fucking) village.

*(if you were thinking tall, lean and athletic then you're parkin up the wrong tree).

How "Mourinho Got It Wrong": How Savage Didn't Get it Right

"In his regular BBC Sport tactics column Robbie Savage tries and fails to sound more intelligent than whatever you had for breakfast this morning."

In his regular BBC column Savage has today covered the tricky subject of "Chelsea v Atletico Madrid: How Mourinho Got it Wrong". So without further ado...

Left Flank Lets Atletico In: 
What you'll notice about this section, if you bother to go and read it, is that it contains no tactical analysis whatsoever. Observe, he first describes Cesar Azpilicueta's role on the right side for Chelsea. He then goes on to say "That flank was solid. As we found out for Atletico's equaliser just before half-time, Chelsea's left side was not. I don't know what Ashley Cole was doing when Tiago played his initial diagonal ball for Juanfran to run on to. For some reason Cole was in the middle of the area rather than at left-back and Eden Hazard did not track back." : "Eden Hazard did not track back" is a descriptive sentence acknowledging what Eden did or didn't do, "For some reason Cole was in the middle of the area" still lacks tactical content, since we assume that it wasn't a tactical decision, but an individual positioning error, which can surely not be attributed to Mourinho getting it wrong unless we consider it an oversight that Mourinho should have explained in detail everything Cole shouldn't do.
What's important to note about the Savage column is how it is billed: "In his regular BBC Sport tactics column, Robbie Savage looks at Chelsea's Champions League semi-final defeat by Atletico Madrid" - note the crucial word 'looks' not 'does some analysis of' but 'looks at' implying viewership, implying descriptive but not technical or analytical content.
If we persist with the opening section we get from Hazard not tracking back to "The whole goal was a mess from Chelsea's point of view, because nobody cut out Juanfran's pull-back either" - again, no discussion of the tactical breakdown that may have led to this state of affairs, but an expressive opinion-laden clause followed by a basic descriptive one.

Chelsea Chasing the Game:
Opens with similarly absent promise, "Atletico's away goal meant that Chelsea were out unless they scored again" before proceeding with: "Because Chelsea needed to go looking for another goal, it also meant Atletico could threaten on the counter-attack". Taking it paragraph by paragraph we begin with a basic understanding of how football scores work, we then learn Atletico's first half goal seemed to have "taken away" all of Chelsea's confidence, in paragraph three we learn that Sam Eto'o came on, in four Savage gives an opinion on this move, "It was the right decision, but it worked against him", the next paragraph takes on the following structure: Paraphrase of a Mourinho quote, and a nod to some stats. So, with 5/11 paragraphs in this section down we're still somewhat short of anything more than a pub garden nod to tactics. We hear more from Mourinho in paragraph six, in the seventh we get the following "In the first half, it was pretty even. But from the start of the second half, Atletico were on top": then we learn that Atletico had a "positive start" and looked "more dangerous" but no sense of the tactical underpinnings of this "positive start". In fact in all 11 paragraphs the one tame nod we get to tactics is in 10 when Azpilicueta switches to left-back.

No Way Through for the Blues:
Right, finally, the tactical discussion is under way. Kicking it off, Atletico have two banks of four, Chelsea have "no chance" of scoring on the counter-attack, that is because it is naturally impossible to score against any side that ever leaves four men back. Everyone knows it's the equivalent of never moving any of your draughts off the back row. It's completely impenetrable. There is "No Chance" of scoring against that. "Could they have done with more attack in their side apart from set pieces? Yes." clears that one up once and for all. Willian and Torres "barely linked up". To summarize Chelsea "lacked attacking threat" because Simeone was "cautious" and "left four men back" which seems to be about as close as we're going to get.

Atletico March On:
Ah. We start now by talking about left-back Felipe Luis pressing the ball in the opposition box, how that epitomized the work ethic which wasn't the reason Atletico Madrid won because they actually won because of cautiousness and leaving four men back. They have some "real talent in attack" to go with their "organization at the back". Juanfran was brilliant at defending and "turning into a right winger at times".
The title of the article is "Chelsea v Atletico Madrid: How Jose Mourinho Got It Wrong" with the only issue being that "How Jose Mourinho Got It Wrong" is almost never even touched upon. When we get anything that even resembles a tactical analysis it's talking about Atletico Madrid and their paradoxical full-backs. Willian and Torres never linking up isn't linked back to Mourinho getting it wrong, it's implicitly linked back variously to Atletico having two banks of four, to leaving four men back, and  to work ethic. When Mourinho even comes up it's because he got something right, namely the decision to sub on Sammy Eto'o shortly before he conceded the penalty. To summarize what we've just witnessed Atletico Madrid had real talent in attack but rarely from anyone in particular like Arda Turan, they have Koke who "had a fabulous game" and made more touches than anyone else, Diego Costa only appears in reference to his goal. Only the full-backs of the entire defence get a mention and the analysis of Simeone's tactics is limited to inspiring "caution, attitude, desire and work ethic". But the main fault is that an article billed as "How Jose Mourinho Got It Wrong" says an absolutely pathetic amount about his tactics, describes much more than it explains or analysis, and skims over almost the entire fixture, which is an interesting tact for an article based on absolutely nothing else.



A final note of thanks goes to the Guardian website which is where I nicked the images from.

"zonal marking" for dummies

Imagine a penalty area. Imagine a corner kick. Imagine Luka Modric is taking the corner kick, that might look something like this...

...Now imagine you are Bayern Munchens defence. Where do you want to be standing? Do you want to be standing a) in a line under the ball unable to have any chance of attacking it, or b) in front of or behind the ball in a position to attack. Imagine you've selected option a, that might look something like this...

Admittedly not a brilliant picture so I'll fill you in on the details. 5 Bayern Munchen players form an entirely useful line along the six yard box, giving 5 Real Madrid attackers between 5 and 10 yards of room to get a running start for their jumps. If we accept that running jumps are better than standing jumps, and that the edge of the six yard box usually at some stage interjects the trajectory of the ideal corner, it's not a leap to suggest that what Bayern's defence has intelligently done is start in its ideal finishing position. Still, by no means necessarily fatal, let's play it on a bit and see what happens...

Note the goalkeeper stood completely flat-footed on the line. Also note the single player in the penalty box who is at this stage jumping for the ball. He is a man in white named Ronaldo. Note the persons in red and how adequately they are positioned to win a header (something one might anticipate needing to win when a corner is awarded), you might note that the adequacy of their positioning is 'somewhat lacking'. It's worth at this stage analysing the range of possibilities for what could be about to occur. By their own complacency Bayern's defence has ruled itself out of winning any headers, so the choices are a) a Real Madrid player headers the ball off target, b) everyone misses the ball, c) Sergio Ramos opens the scoring. Let's play it on a little further...

It may be a little difficult to tell if the ball is goalward bound or not from that image, but let's at least summarize what we can see. Count for me, if you will, the number of Bayern players with more than one foot off the ground. Count also the number of Bayern players stood with legs apart and feet planted completely flat on the floor. Perhaps you may notice something of a discrepancy here, you may also have noticed other discrepancies, you may have noticed the triangle that three Bayern players have successfully formed around Madrid's Sergio Ramos, you may notice what they are doing. For those of you who love multiple choice, here's another one, are the three Bayern defenders a) attacking the ball, b) challenging Ramos, c) standing and watching? I'll let you work that one out for yourselves. In the meantime, let's play it on a little further and see what it all comes to...

Well it seems to have come to a lot of standing around and watching. But I'm sure it's just an isolated incident...

Well, okay, two isolated incidents...

Or whatever, call it three isolated incidents. The third being my particular favourite. Note again the ratio of Bayern feet on the floor to off it. Also note the large space in the centre of the penalty box, notice the stastuesque Munchen players doing a little something you'll have by now come to call Standing and Watching (or zonal marking as some people will still insist upon calling it).

To be fair, United had the best corner conversion rate in the Premier League last season, scoring from a massive 6% of their total corners. This is because with man marking it's perfectly easy to get away from a corner without conceding. By going touch tight to the attacker you are not only as well positioned as he is (i.e. if the ball comes into a given space you and the attacker are equally likely to collide with it), but even if you lose the header you make it more difficult for him to direct it, and thereby decrease the probability of him successfully guiding it into the goal. As soon as you mark spaces you leave spaces, if the ball is then aimed into these spaces the odds of your opponent reaching the ball not only increase, but also on the increase are the odds of him being able to hit the target given the total lack of a challenge coming in on him. So suddenly those very low odds of actually getting a goal direct from a corner kick begin to increase with every man you take away from a man and allocate a patch of grass to.
Watch the United goal through and tell me if that looks even passable at schoolboy level...