We bid farewell to the 2013-14 season at long last, with the teams of the year.
There's only one place to finish, and between now and then we have to find somewhere to start, so...
the What Were You Thinking Worst Signings of the Season XI
MAARTEN STEKELENBERG
Since we have to have a keeper and this one lost his place to David Stockdale and then got relegated, he seemed as good a choice as any.
FERNANDO AMOREBIETA
Some minor difficulties with not having a clue in fuck how to defend, but apart from that...
ANTOLIN ALCARAZ
Probably wasn't even actually a footballer until he bumped into Roberto Martinez in a pub and decided to make a bet ("if you lose, you have to sign me").
FLORIAN MARANGE
Few transfers went as apocalyptically wrong as this one. Ian Holloway called him slow, they released him in October, Ian Holloway now has Danny Shittu for a captain, so he should be learning a thing or two about running through treacle.
ERIK LAMELA
Your nan would've put Erik Lamela in. An unqualified disaster.
MAROUANE FELLAINI
Didn't even get a proper chance to do any good chest control. Somehow miraculously failed to fit in with the Premier League champions.
STEWART DOWNING
Makes the team because he cost £6,000,000 and still never does anything unless the opposition does it for him.
JOZY ALTIDORE
I'm not going to labour the point. One goal this time, one goal last time. He's a one-goal wonder. What we're all wondering is how he's still making a living from this game.
RICKY VAN WOLFSWINKLE
Things didn't go brilliantly for Ricky, or quite well, or half decent, or okay...
ROBERTO SOLDADO
Those 6 goals at least mean he outscored Torres. But if we subtract penalty kicks he finished on two. That's £13m per goal.
DANI OSVALDO
Italian nutter managed one absolute pearler, and then he smashed Jose Fonte's face inside out before pissing off back to Italy.
That's One Team Down,
now only as many as we can think of to go.
the Money Well Spent Best Signings XI
SIMON MIGNOLET
Yes he flaps at crosses, but nobody really bought goalies last Summer. Congratulations Simon Mignolet, making the team due to an overwhelming lack of alternatives.
DEJAN LOVREN
Some would say he's no Jos Hooiveld. Some would say he didn't do all that badly.
FERNANDINHO
Certainly made a not inconsiderable impression in his first season after being bought in for an absolutely monumental transfer fee, which he has almost sort of partially justified.
JAMES McCARTHY
Eyebrows weren't raised when Robbie went back to Wigan to bag ol' Jimmy McCarthy at the end of the August window. Eyebrows were raised, however, when it turned out to be a pretty decent move.
JASON PUNCHEON
What else is there to say about the prolific wideman? Many goals, comparatively fewer assists, but he had a couple of special moments all to hisself.
WILLIAN
Star man for Chelsea, had good work let down by the fact they still own Torres.
CHRISTIAN ERIKSEN
Far too good to spend another season pissing his career away at White Hart Lane. Denmark's answer to Luka Modric will surely bugger off at the end of next season when Tottenham finish 5th or 6th or, heaven forfend, 7th.
ROMELU LUKAKU
The only loan signing in the team makes the team because, bloody hell, isn't he good? Quite a lot better than that Fernando Whatsisface who Jose seems to think still has some potential to reverse what is now a solid 4 years of just being crap.
LOIC REMY
Okay, so not the only loan signing in the team, but shut up no-one asked you. Scored many many goals but they dried up as the team plummeted, nonetheless if you look at all the transfers that took place in 2013-14 his impact was at least worthy of a place in the top-11.
WILFRIED BONY
6 weeks ago his season had been mostly quite 'meh' - suddenly goals against Villa and Sunderland's respectively disastrous defences has made him something of a God. People naming him 'signing of the season' - two months ago you wouldn't have given him the Bronze Toilet Seat for doing Pretty Well. Jury should still be out on his immobility, total lack of movement off the ball and the fact he seems to have his first name on his shirt.
ALVARO NEGREDO
Yes the goals dried up, but you try finding 11 names from a list that's mostly pants.
We shall now have a brief interlude as we look over BBC Sport's out-of-contract XI, in a segment called "BBC Sport's Out-of-Contract XI : Why It Should Stay That Way".
Mark Schwarzer : Didn't do awfully at Chelsea. Not by any means. It wasn't his fault they lost the title and the Champions League. He wasn't brilliant, but he wasn't terrible. He is, however, older than time itself, and unless there is a team out there that wants a goalkeeper who needs assistance to get back up every time his artificial hip collapses, then, well, he probably just ought to jack it in.
John Heitinga : Okay, so he shouldn't actually retire, but his performances for Fulham in the second half of last season were rarely even average, and his performances for Everton have always been not only few-and-far-between, but also largely indifferent.
Rio Ferdinand : He is slightly slower moving than a dead ocelot in an abandoned coal-mine, but apart from that. Things decompose faster than Rio Ferdinand moves. Not only abysmally slow with his massive stone boots, but also just an impossibly annoying human being, the further he gets away from my hobbies and interests the more I'll be able to enjoy them, and the less I'll have to yell at my telly.
Joleon Lescott : Should stay a free transfer because it'll save him the trouble of having to stand up and leave his permanent position in the home dugout at the Etihad.
Ashley Cole : Should stay on the free transfer list because he's past it. He might know how to defend, but he doesn't have the legs to attack, and as commentators are at pains to tell us it's such an important part of the modern game, just as much a part of the modern game as rubbish commentators repeating the same tired pseudo-analytical drivel.
Steve Sidwell : Ginger Steve certainly doesn't deserve another crack at the big time. His immobility, his lack of a sufficient influence, his hair and his passing are all good reasons he should start next season controlling the midfield for Fleetwood or Hartlepool.
Frank Lampard : Once again, another player who doesn't quite move as well as very very old people.
Gareth Barry : And oh look, it's the one man foul machine, the man who makes Paul Scholes' tackles look well-timed, and also a man who moves slower than furniture moves by itself.
Joe Cole : You'd hesitate to even call him a professional these days. Waddling up and down the wing, having absolutely no influence, looking for all the world like he thinks he's Nani or something.
Nicklas Bendtner : The man with THAT hair, and THAT total lack of even remote talent. Finally, finally Arsenal can move on from the catastrophe that has been his seemingly never-ending contract.
Samuel Eto'o : He should only stay a free because it would be ludicrously expensive to make him anything else.
FERNANDINHO
Certainly made a not inconsiderable impression in his first season after being bought in for an absolutely monumental transfer fee, which he has almost sort of partially justified.
JAMES McCARTHY
Eyebrows weren't raised when Robbie went back to Wigan to bag ol' Jimmy McCarthy at the end of the August window. Eyebrows were raised, however, when it turned out to be a pretty decent move.
JASON PUNCHEON
What else is there to say about the prolific wideman? Many goals, comparatively fewer assists, but he had a couple of special moments all to hisself.
WILLIAN
Star man for Chelsea, had good work let down by the fact they still own Torres.
CHRISTIAN ERIKSEN
Far too good to spend another season pissing his career away at White Hart Lane. Denmark's answer to Luka Modric will surely bugger off at the end of next season when Tottenham finish 5th or 6th or, heaven forfend, 7th.
ROMELU LUKAKU
The only loan signing in the team makes the team because, bloody hell, isn't he good? Quite a lot better than that Fernando Whatsisface who Jose seems to think still has some potential to reverse what is now a solid 4 years of just being crap.
LOIC REMY
Okay, so not the only loan signing in the team, but shut up no-one asked you. Scored many many goals but they dried up as the team plummeted, nonetheless if you look at all the transfers that took place in 2013-14 his impact was at least worthy of a place in the top-11.
WILFRIED BONY
6 weeks ago his season had been mostly quite 'meh' - suddenly goals against Villa and Sunderland's respectively disastrous defences has made him something of a God. People naming him 'signing of the season' - two months ago you wouldn't have given him the Bronze Toilet Seat for doing Pretty Well. Jury should still be out on his immobility, total lack of movement off the ball and the fact he seems to have his first name on his shirt.
ALVARO NEGREDO
Yes the goals dried up, but you try finding 11 names from a list that's mostly pants.
We shall now have a brief interlude as we look over BBC Sport's out-of-contract XI, in a segment called "BBC Sport's Out-of-Contract XI : Why It Should Stay That Way".
Mark Schwarzer : Didn't do awfully at Chelsea. Not by any means. It wasn't his fault they lost the title and the Champions League. He wasn't brilliant, but he wasn't terrible. He is, however, older than time itself, and unless there is a team out there that wants a goalkeeper who needs assistance to get back up every time his artificial hip collapses, then, well, he probably just ought to jack it in.
John Heitinga : Okay, so he shouldn't actually retire, but his performances for Fulham in the second half of last season were rarely even average, and his performances for Everton have always been not only few-and-far-between, but also largely indifferent.
Rio Ferdinand : He is slightly slower moving than a dead ocelot in an abandoned coal-mine, but apart from that. Things decompose faster than Rio Ferdinand moves. Not only abysmally slow with his massive stone boots, but also just an impossibly annoying human being, the further he gets away from my hobbies and interests the more I'll be able to enjoy them, and the less I'll have to yell at my telly.
Joleon Lescott : Should stay a free transfer because it'll save him the trouble of having to stand up and leave his permanent position in the home dugout at the Etihad.
Ashley Cole : Should stay on the free transfer list because he's past it. He might know how to defend, but he doesn't have the legs to attack, and as commentators are at pains to tell us it's such an important part of the modern game, just as much a part of the modern game as rubbish commentators repeating the same tired pseudo-analytical drivel.
Steve Sidwell : Ginger Steve certainly doesn't deserve another crack at the big time. His immobility, his lack of a sufficient influence, his hair and his passing are all good reasons he should start next season controlling the midfield for Fleetwood or Hartlepool.
Frank Lampard : Once again, another player who doesn't quite move as well as very very old people.
Gareth Barry : And oh look, it's the one man foul machine, the man who makes Paul Scholes' tackles look well-timed, and also a man who moves slower than furniture moves by itself.
Joe Cole : You'd hesitate to even call him a professional these days. Waddling up and down the wing, having absolutely no influence, looking for all the world like he thinks he's Nani or something.
Nicklas Bendtner : The man with THAT hair, and THAT total lack of even remote talent. Finally, finally Arsenal can move on from the catastrophe that has been his seemingly never-ending contract.
Samuel Eto'o : He should only stay a free because it would be ludicrously expensive to make him anything else.
RIGHT, that's three-down. Moving swiftly on we'll get right down to the...
Nice Work Team of the Year
DAVID MARSHALL
The only reason Cardiff City didn't finish bottom of the...oh wait...still, made some pretty blinding saves.
LEIGHTON BAINES
PFA Team of the Year featured £30m Manchester United target and provider of no goals and one assist Mr Luke Shaw, which pales in comparison to Baines' contribution. With his help they managed to get quite close to Champions League qualification.
JOHN TERRY
Even Wayne Bridge would have to admit JT has been the man this season.
GARY CAHILL
Again, impossible to overlook the contribution of Gaz in helping Chelsea concede ten goals fewer than any other team in the division.
PABALAB ZABALABALAB
As I know he likes to be called. Seamus Coleman contributed goals, Pabalab contributed brilliantness. Gets in also as a nod to City's defensive record this season.
YAYA TOURE
Ahh Yaya. Do I need to say anything? Apparently I do in case he goes off on one. So, in two words : fucking brilliant.
STEVEN GERRARD
Of course he's in the fucking team, now let's all get on with our lives.
AARON RAMSEY
Yes he was injured, but for stats alone he kicks the shit out of everyone; including Adam Lallana, who he batters for goals and assists with an 18 game discrepancy in appearances.
LUIS SUAREZ
PFA Team of the Year featured £30m Manchester United target and provider of no goals and one assist Mr Luke Shaw, which pales in comparison to Baines' contribution. With his help they managed to get quite close to Champions League qualification.
JOHN TERRY
Even Wayne Bridge would have to admit JT has been the man this season.
GARY CAHILL
Again, impossible to overlook the contribution of Gaz in helping Chelsea concede ten goals fewer than any other team in the division.
PABALAB ZABALABALAB
As I know he likes to be called. Seamus Coleman contributed goals, Pabalab contributed brilliantness. Gets in also as a nod to City's defensive record this season.
YAYA TOURE
Ahh Yaya. Do I need to say anything? Apparently I do in case he goes off on one. So, in two words : fucking brilliant.
STEVEN GERRARD
Of course he's in the fucking team, now let's all get on with our lives.
AARON RAMSEY
Yes he was injured, but for stats alone he kicks the shit out of everyone; including Adam Lallana, who he batters for goals and assists with an 18 game discrepancy in appearances.
LUIS SUAREZ
Second highest assists, ten goals ahead of everyone else. Yeah, he just about makes it.
DANIEL STURRIDGE
Blah blah blah goals, blah blah blah assists. Moving on.
WAYNE ROONEY
Suarez has the most-highest number of things, then it's Yaya, DS and Stevie G. In 5th place, with the 5th most things, with 27 'things' (goals & assists) in 27 games, it's Wazza Roonaldo, and that's good enough for us.
FINALLY
HERE
WE ARE
THE
MOMENT
YOU'VE BEEN WAITING FOR
ALL YOUR LIFE
IT'S THE 2013-2014
BARCLAYS PREMIER LEAGUE
USELESS
TWATS
OF
THE
YEAR
XI
TWATS
OF
THE
YEAR
XI
JOE HART
The phrase 'temporarily displaced in the team by Costel Pantilimon' is enough to get anyone a place in the Useless Twats XI. Admittedly, he had good moments, but they were all overshadowed by those few weeks when he sat on the bench watching Dracula play for Manchester City.
MARC WILSON
Played his way into the team with some catastrophic defending. Don't be surprised in the Summer if he goes on holiday and gets mistaken for a deckchair or done for pace by some paella.
JOHN O'SHEA
Disgracefully poor season from the skipper. If he continues being paid to play football next season then the entire human race needs to take a long hard look at itself.
RUSSELL MARTIN
A mainstay of the weekly Useless Twats XIs throughout the latter stages of the season, and for a very good reason. It's not that he lacks pace or enthusiasm, he can't actually defend. We once said you should watch him to learn how not to defend, and we still highly recommend it.
LIAM RIDGEWELL
Apocalyptically useless 'full-back'; regularly seen last season being skinned by lampposts and office blocks. Watching Liam Ridgewell try and keep up with a pacey winger is like watching a 97yr old woman with rheumatic knees trying to keep up with a ground-to-air missile.
Played his way into the team with some catastrophic defending. Don't be surprised in the Summer if he goes on holiday and gets mistaken for a deckchair or done for pace by some paella.
Disgracefully poor season from the skipper. If he continues being paid to play football next season then the entire human race needs to take a long hard look at itself.
A mainstay of the weekly Useless Twats XIs throughout the latter stages of the season, and for a very good reason. It's not that he lacks pace or enthusiasm, he can't actually defend. We once said you should watch him to learn how not to defend, and we still highly recommend it.
Apocalyptically useless 'full-back'; regularly seen last season being skinned by lampposts and office blocks. Watching Liam Ridgewell try and keep up with a pacey winger is like watching a 97yr old woman with rheumatic knees trying to keep up with a ground-to-air missile.
ALEX TONEV
Failing to yet supply either goal or assist, this Bulgarian flops his way into the XI with aplomb.
Failing to yet supply either goal or assist, this Bulgarian flops his way into the XI with aplomb.
GEORGE BOYD
Two goals and one assist in twenty-nine games suggests Georgie Boy(d) might be a little bit out of his depth. The fact that he is very much drowning in the deep ocean of the Barclays Premier League will be little surprise to those amongst us who knew that obviously he would. Should be on his way back to where he belongs for the start of next season, but in fact he'll probably end up continuing as a professional footballer.
MICHAEL CARRICK
Twenty-nine games and zero assists is genuinely disgraceful. Less of a Rolls Royce, more of a dead whale carcass with a harpoon in it's face.
Twenty-nine games and zero assists is genuinely disgraceful. Less of a Rolls Royce, more of a dead whale carcass with a harpoon in it's face.
JOZY ALTIDORE
What more needs to be said about this one goal machine?
FERNANDO TORRES
People will insist on focusing on the likes of Ricky Van Wolfswinkle, but when you're on £13.9m a year and you play a whole season without injury and you get outscored by Seamus Coleman you must be at least a bit of a useless twat.
RICKY VAN WOLFSWINKLE
Naturally we couldn't leave the Dutchman out. Though Norwich could, but only if they could find a cod sandwich or a bottle of ointment to play in his place.
And that's that ladies and gentlemen, we'll be back soon for the World Cup. In the meantime, find something else to fucking do for fucks sake. For now it's goodbye from me, and it's goodbye from him...
People will insist on focusing on the likes of Ricky Van Wolfswinkle, but when you're on £13.9m a year and you play a whole season without injury and you get outscored by Seamus Coleman you must be at least a bit of a useless twat.
Naturally we couldn't leave the Dutchman out. Though Norwich could, but only if they could find a cod sandwich or a bottle of ointment to play in his place.
And that's that ladies and gentlemen, we'll be back soon for the World Cup. In the meantime, find something else to fucking do for fucks sake. For now it's goodbye from me, and it's goodbye from him...
