Yes, we are only one quarter of the way through. But don't worry, that's mostly the individual player of the year awards over, now into the relatively less exciting territory of manager awards...
And we begin with...
Best Fulham Manager of the Year
Three nominees in this category. The season started with Martin 'we meet again Mr Bond' Jol, continued with the ever jolly Rene Meulensteen, and ended with Penfold. After almost no deliberation, the award goes to Felix Magath, mainly for the glasses.
the Abroad Award for best English coach not coaching in England
Nominees include Brian Deane...and...erm...does Terry Butcher count? I suppose that really might depend on when you're reading this. To avoid accidentally treading on the toes of heated political debate, we'll give it to Brian...well deserved...(probably).
Tactical Abomination of the Year award
A big one this, and incredibly difficult to choose between a lot of very average managerial displays. We start in predictable territory, though having said that choosing one nominee from David Moyes' season of potential candidates wasn't easy; we're going with Fulham at home, for the sheer banging-your-head-against-a-brickwalledness of it. Next on our list is a former United legend, now turned professional full-time Norwegian, Ole Gunnar Solskjaer for his 'leave a giant gaping hole in the middle' tactic that failed somewhat spectacularly to achieve the desired result in the South Wales derby. The Arsenal nominee was tough; the margin did it in the end, they only lost by 3 goals margins at Goodison and the Etihad, and only 4 at Anfield, whereas Chelsea smashed them for the full 6, so that's what we're going with. Tim Sherwood's spectacular incompetence was never more potent than away to Liverpool; as a centre-midfield of Nabil Bentaleb and Gylfi Sigurdsson somehow managed to get the absolute shite kicked out of it. Strange one that. It's also difficult to ignore a manager who goes to Sheffield Wednesday and loses 6-0, it's also difficult to ignore a team selection which features three centrebacks, wingbacks, two wingers, two centremidfielders and a very small loan striker, with the team's resident beanpole suddenly dropped to the bench the first time the team actually plays with wingers. On the subject of Leeds United, Lee Clark's Birmingham City had a bit of a disastrous season, but their away drubbing at Elland Road was uniquely incompetent, as they defended with all the strength and resilience of sardines in a bucket, playing a tactic that couldn't have made any less sense if it was the sentence 'about in french banana an kitten what science'. Bayern Munchen might be the surprise nominee, we were going to put them in for their abysmal work on defending set pieces, we've instead gone for the Real Madrid home leg, where it was broke and Pep Guardiola didn't fix it. We also took some glee in watching the most boring manager in the world's passing-to-death tactic (or tiki-taka as some people will insist upon calling it) being bought crashing to its knees, where it now remains with the butt of a pistol on the back of its tedious neck. Jose Mourinho also bagged a late nomination for throwing Sammy Eto'o on against Atletico Madrid when the situation couldn't have done less to warrant it, and Felix Magath, in spite of winning the Fulham Manager of the Year award, does get a nomination for playing Dan Burn, the worlds tallest and worst balanced man as a full-back in a must-win game against Stoke. I imagine Penfold is still wondering quite how they managed to get battered in that one. That's about all I can remember so let's go ahead and hand out this bad-boy, ladies and gentleman nod with appreciation for, oh I don't know, let's say Tim Sherwood, because just Nabil Bentaleb, Nabil bloody Bentaleb.
the Edgar Davids award for Strangest Managerial Appointment
We move onto stranger ground now, by looking at those appointments that really did leave us going 'are you fucking kidding me?' (we did consider naming this award the '900-1 rank outsider award for Strangest Managerial Appointment' but at the end of the day who cares). Nominees begin with AC Milan and the appointment of a Botafogo attacking midfielder to replace Serie A winning coach Massimo Allegri. Barnsley confirmed their relegation by drafting Danny Wilson back in from the 1990s, West Brom's Pepe Mel experiment didn't quite deliver the goods as he bought home 3 wins in 17 matches, while Watford also went foreign and obscure with the impressively left-field appointment of journeyman Italian Giuseppe Sannino. Also back from the 1990s was John Gregory who returned not just to football but planet Earth with Crawley Town, he was joined on the returning bus from Mars by former Leicester and one-game England boss Peter Taylor, who replaced Martin Allen at Gillingham. Middlesbrough managed to draft in and retain the services of former Real Madrid assistant coach Aitor Karanka, Nottingham Forest technically secured the services of Stuart 'calling him a halfwit would be offensive to halfwits' Pearce during the 2013-14 season, while Blackpool replaced left-field appointment Paul Ince with the even left-fielder appointment of Barry 'I'm about as inspirational as a kebab' Ferguson. And all of this has failed to mention Charlton, who just seem to have hired some guy, and who have now replaced him with some other guy. Felix Magath gets a nod, but only a nod because his predecessor was definitely the strangest appointment of the many Fulham made through 2013-14, Garry Monk also gets only a little more than a nod, and that's partially because Ole Gunnar Solskjaer trumps him given that he rejected the Aston Villa job to take on an even more poisoned challice. We now have to think about who we're actually going to give this award over to, and while there are no shortage of nominees, and we have sensibly excluded anyone hired before the season began, it still was a very tough call. So we made it easier by choosing at random. So congratulations...err...(*picks random number between one and whatever*)...Clarence Seedorf. Though, in fact, at the time of publication Clarence's strange appointment has probably been outdone by his replacement, the equally random and inexperienced Pippo Inzaghi.
the Nice Work award for Doing a Well-Good Job
Unfortunately the nominees are a bit obvious for this one. Tony Pulis for winning more than he lost despite owning Damien Delaney, Brendan Rogers for getting Joe Allen to sometimes pass forwards instead of sideways, Sean Dyche for gettin...actually, sorry Sean, but I'm not going to praise you for getting Burnley promoted to the Premier League, I just can't do it. Moving on swiftly, Nigel Pearson for crushing the 100 points mark between his sturdy buttcheeks, Eddie Howe-did-you-do-that?, Russell Slade for his odds defiance, Antonio Conte for a record points haul, Steve Evans for being able to put his own shoes on his own feet even though he hasn't seen them in 10 years, Mick McCarthy for at least making some quite shiny metal with total dogcrap, Steve McLaren for blah blah blah, Russ Wilcox for winning, Ian Holloway because Milwall survived (again, I'm not giving you an award for doing that you bastard), Mauricio Pocchettino for managing Rickie Lambert into a World Cup squa...actually there it is. Nice Work Mauricio, and by 'Nice Work' I mean 'Fucking Miraculous Work'.
You're probably thinking, "where's Diego Simeone in all this?", well he was disqualified because some managers are actually genuinely in a league (or category) all of their own...
the Atletico Madrid award for Diego Simeone of the Year
This award goes to the absolutely most miraculous work done in the 2013-14 season. If you'd have said, I mean you just wouldn't. I mean talk about showing them how it's done. Jose talking about works in progress with his millions and billions, Dave talking about a transition with his Wayne Rooney, Arsene acting like 1 F.A. Cup in 9 years is okay, Arsene who has outspent Diego by 10:1 to bring home 1 Champions League final appearance in his career, and 1 F.A. Cup and no title challenges in 9 years, is just one of thousands of managers who looks like a total prick in comparison. You might've guessed the winner of the Diego Simeone of the Year award, it's Diego Simeone (though the less said about his hair the better).
And we begin with...
Best Fulham Manager of the Year
Three nominees in this category. The season started with Martin 'we meet again Mr Bond' Jol, continued with the ever jolly Rene Meulensteen, and ended with Penfold. After almost no deliberation, the award goes to Felix Magath, mainly for the glasses.
Nominees include Brian Deane...and...erm...does Terry Butcher count? I suppose that really might depend on when you're reading this. To avoid accidentally treading on the toes of heated political debate, we'll give it to Brian...well deserved...(probably).
A big one this, and incredibly difficult to choose between a lot of very average managerial displays. We start in predictable territory, though having said that choosing one nominee from David Moyes' season of potential candidates wasn't easy; we're going with Fulham at home, for the sheer banging-your-head-against-a-brickwalledness of it. Next on our list is a former United legend, now turned professional full-time Norwegian, Ole Gunnar Solskjaer for his 'leave a giant gaping hole in the middle' tactic that failed somewhat spectacularly to achieve the desired result in the South Wales derby. The Arsenal nominee was tough; the margin did it in the end, they only lost by 3 goals margins at Goodison and the Etihad, and only 4 at Anfield, whereas Chelsea smashed them for the full 6, so that's what we're going with. Tim Sherwood's spectacular incompetence was never more potent than away to Liverpool; as a centre-midfield of Nabil Bentaleb and Gylfi Sigurdsson somehow managed to get the absolute shite kicked out of it. Strange one that. It's also difficult to ignore a manager who goes to Sheffield Wednesday and loses 6-0, it's also difficult to ignore a team selection which features three centrebacks, wingbacks, two wingers, two centremidfielders and a very small loan striker, with the team's resident beanpole suddenly dropped to the bench the first time the team actually plays with wingers. On the subject of Leeds United, Lee Clark's Birmingham City had a bit of a disastrous season, but their away drubbing at Elland Road was uniquely incompetent, as they defended with all the strength and resilience of sardines in a bucket, playing a tactic that couldn't have made any less sense if it was the sentence 'about in french banana an kitten what science'. Bayern Munchen might be the surprise nominee, we were going to put them in for their abysmal work on defending set pieces, we've instead gone for the Real Madrid home leg, where it was broke and Pep Guardiola didn't fix it. We also took some glee in watching the most boring manager in the world's passing-to-death tactic (or tiki-taka as some people will insist upon calling it) being bought crashing to its knees, where it now remains with the butt of a pistol on the back of its tedious neck. Jose Mourinho also bagged a late nomination for throwing Sammy Eto'o on against Atletico Madrid when the situation couldn't have done less to warrant it, and Felix Magath, in spite of winning the Fulham Manager of the Year award, does get a nomination for playing Dan Burn, the worlds tallest and worst balanced man as a full-back in a must-win game against Stoke. I imagine Penfold is still wondering quite how they managed to get battered in that one. That's about all I can remember so let's go ahead and hand out this bad-boy, ladies and gentleman nod with appreciation for, oh I don't know, let's say Tim Sherwood, because just Nabil Bentaleb, Nabil bloody Bentaleb.
We move onto stranger ground now, by looking at those appointments that really did leave us going 'are you fucking kidding me?' (we did consider naming this award the '900-1 rank outsider award for Strangest Managerial Appointment' but at the end of the day who cares). Nominees begin with AC Milan and the appointment of a Botafogo attacking midfielder to replace Serie A winning coach Massimo Allegri. Barnsley confirmed their relegation by drafting Danny Wilson back in from the 1990s, West Brom's Pepe Mel experiment didn't quite deliver the goods as he bought home 3 wins in 17 matches, while Watford also went foreign and obscure with the impressively left-field appointment of journeyman Italian Giuseppe Sannino. Also back from the 1990s was John Gregory who returned not just to football but planet Earth with Crawley Town, he was joined on the returning bus from Mars by former Leicester and one-game England boss Peter Taylor, who replaced Martin Allen at Gillingham. Middlesbrough managed to draft in and retain the services of former Real Madrid assistant coach Aitor Karanka, Nottingham Forest technically secured the services of Stuart 'calling him a halfwit would be offensive to halfwits' Pearce during the 2013-14 season, while Blackpool replaced left-field appointment Paul Ince with the even left-fielder appointment of Barry 'I'm about as inspirational as a kebab' Ferguson. And all of this has failed to mention Charlton, who just seem to have hired some guy, and who have now replaced him with some other guy. Felix Magath gets a nod, but only a nod because his predecessor was definitely the strangest appointment of the many Fulham made through 2013-14, Garry Monk also gets only a little more than a nod, and that's partially because Ole Gunnar Solskjaer trumps him given that he rejected the Aston Villa job to take on an even more poisoned challice. We now have to think about who we're actually going to give this award over to, and while there are no shortage of nominees, and we have sensibly excluded anyone hired before the season began, it still was a very tough call. So we made it easier by choosing at random. So congratulations...err...(*picks random number between one and whatever*)...Clarence Seedorf. Though, in fact, at the time of publication Clarence's strange appointment has probably been outdone by his replacement, the equally random and inexperienced Pippo Inzaghi.
Unfortunately the nominees are a bit obvious for this one. Tony Pulis for winning more than he lost despite owning Damien Delaney, Brendan Rogers for getting Joe Allen to sometimes pass forwards instead of sideways, Sean Dyche for gettin...actually, sorry Sean, but I'm not going to praise you for getting Burnley promoted to the Premier League, I just can't do it. Moving on swiftly, Nigel Pearson for crushing the 100 points mark between his sturdy buttcheeks, Eddie Howe-did-you-do-that?, Russell Slade for his odds defiance, Antonio Conte for a record points haul, Steve Evans for being able to put his own shoes on his own feet even though he hasn't seen them in 10 years, Mick McCarthy for at least making some quite shiny metal with total dogcrap, Steve McLaren for blah blah blah, Russ Wilcox for winning, Ian Holloway because Milwall survived (again, I'm not giving you an award for doing that you bastard), Mauricio Pocchettino for managing Rickie Lambert into a World Cup squa...actually there it is. Nice Work Mauricio, and by 'Nice Work' I mean 'Fucking Miraculous Work'.
You're probably thinking, "where's Diego Simeone in all this?", well he was disqualified because some managers are actually genuinely in a league (or category) all of their own...
This award goes to the absolutely most miraculous work done in the 2013-14 season. If you'd have said, I mean you just wouldn't. I mean talk about showing them how it's done. Jose talking about works in progress with his millions and billions, Dave talking about a transition with his Wayne Rooney, Arsene acting like 1 F.A. Cup in 9 years is okay, Arsene who has outspent Diego by 10:1 to bring home 1 Champions League final appearance in his career, and 1 F.A. Cup and no title challenges in 9 years, is just one of thousands of managers who looks like a total prick in comparison. You might've guessed the winner of the Diego Simeone of the Year award, it's Diego Simeone (though the less said about his hair the better).
the Tony Adams award for sucking at management
In the interests of quitting while we're not too far behind, this will be the final management award of the evening, and it's a biggie. This is not a one-off abomination, this is an award for a running disaster. Let's see who's first on the list. Oh look, it's David Moyes, but I don't need to go over well-trodden ground, let's talk about Arsene Wenger. I'm not angry at him, just the way people talk about his tedious and predictable team, here's just some of what annoys me; praise of their 'good football' which is conspicuous by its absence whenever they play anyone half decent (see away performances at Everton, Liverpool, Chelsea and Man City for details of how hard shit can get kicked out of a team featuring Olivier Giroud), and commentators musing on where they'll finish when the last 9 seasons should give them something of a fucking clue. Moving on, we couldn't ignore Paulo Di Canio's impressively ill-fated reign at Sunderland. This is the man who squandered his budget on one-goal superstar Jozy Altidore, and otherwise purchased an entire squad of middling Swiss League blokes without the quality between them to make a half-decent Championship player, then proceeded to berate himself out of the job, flapping about like a giraffe falling out of a helicopter, and landing with all the grace of a giraffe being hit by several buses. It's also impossible to overlook Alan Pardew and a season that's gone from bad to worse and then continued tanking into the ocean where everyone seems to have drowned. Dougie Freedman failed to impress, as his side struggled to break out of mid-table obscurity while the club he abandoned flourished in the Premier League. Lee Clark was conspicuously appalling at Birmingham, admittedly in the very adverse circumstances that see him duck a serious shot at the Tony Adams award, and I'm afraid Ole is not Gunnar duck another nomination here, while Brian McDermott manages his way onto the list, and though it may seem harsh Darren 'not exactly a chip off the old block' Ferguson gets a nomination because with the players and resources at his disposal Posh should've walked all over League One and they just absolutely didn't. But he's not getting the award, neither is Brian or Ole or Lee or Paul or Dougie or Al or Paulo or Arsene. You know who's getting the award, don't you David. Did you really think you'd be able to get away with it?
RIGHT, that's the manager awards, let's push right on and we might get through everything by next Winter. Wrap up warm, it's time for the team awards...
