Bleacher Report has today usefully listed 6 things we 'learned' from Le Toon's deux-nil win over mid-range Championship bore-specialists Leeds United. First of all we 'learned' that Sammy Ameobi has a 'big part to play this season', the evidence for this is a good cross he put in when he had more space to work with than the Voyager 1 space probe. Second of all we 'learned' that Paul Dummett can 'hold his own in the first team', any young full-back who can, when playing against a team with no wingers, manage to spend an entire game not fucking anything up must indeed be a special talent. Thirdly we 'learned' that Yoann Goufrann's confidence is 'on the rise', which it must be now that he's actually scored a goal, albeit a goal scored past Paddy 'I look like I ate a pregnant gorilla' Kenny. We also 'learned' that Leeds are a 'big miss' in the top flight because they have good fans (although the less said about the players the better), and we found out that Papiss Cisse 'still knows how to find the back of the net', we know this because he did it, and what a biting insight it was to point that out. Finally we discovered that Vernon Anita goes 'from strength-to-strength' when competing in midfield with a mediocre 18-year-old and Michael Tonge, whose heyday wasn't even particularly hey. Read the waste of vowels for yourself here - http://bleacherreport.com/articles/1787733-newcastle-united-vs-leeds-united-6-things-we-learned - or better still avoid the website altogether unless you happen to be a fan of non-insights, opinions that yearn to be half-baked and stories that are slightly less interesting than window sills.
And now Sheep's Foot will propose 6 things that we learned from the game - we learned that Ross McCormack can shoot quite well from long range if given plenty of space, Sammy Ameobi can deliver a pinpoint cross as long as it is done entirely by accident, Jason Pearce will get distracted from man marking duties by the presence of grass near or around his feet, when Paddy Kenny dives it will look like someone is throwing a mattress into a skip, Papiss Cisse will score 40 goals this season as long as nobody bothers marking him and the ball is kicked directly onto his head and finally if you're buying players it's better to buy French than to buy Paul Green.
Peter Schmeichel has come out and said he is 'not confident' that Manchester United will be able to retain their Premier division crown. He has said he will be happy if they are 'there or thereabouts', and so long as 'there or thereabouts' extends to about 15 to 20 points away from whoever actually does win the league then there will be no reason for Kasper's daddy to be unbelievably disappointed.
Matt Le Tissier has come out and boldly tipped League One shelf-stacker Rickie Lambert to make it on the plane to Brazil. What England really need, if they even make it to the World Cup, is to have a target man forward who can link up with the skilful, creative Jack Wilshere, because they do link up really well, about as well as a moving bullet and a human skull.
Charlotte Green, who is a woman who talks on the radio, has the scarce distinction this week of being the person who, at about 5 o'clock on a Saturday, tells you that Doncaster have beaten Ipswich by 1 goal to no goals. She has admitted, ahead of the big debut, that she is feeling 'nervous' about having to read words from a page in a dull monotone. Further, she has regaled a BBC news team with an excellent anecdote about how she used to sit at the table when she was a child reading the scores, mimicking the style in which it is professionally done, and that her carryings on were to the annoyance of her demented lunatic of a sister who incomprehensibly found the whole ordeal 'boring'.
Mohammed Al-Fayed, professional conspiracy theorist and the worlds 1031st richest man has finally been reunited with his colour statue of pop legend Michael Jackson, much to the dismay of Fulham Football Club, who will surely not hesitate to recommission another statue, or perhaps a whole collection of statues showcasing pop through the fucking ages. Al-Fayed, meanwhile, having relinquished interest in Harrods and Fulham is now able to concentrate on accusing other people of things they obviously haven't done.
Lewis Holtby has made the bold suggestion that Tottenham can compete for four trophies, although it's not difficult to be quite sure that fans of the North London club would be very much happy enough if they just about bothered to try competing for one.
Fernando Torres has insisted that he is competition up front for Samuel Eto'o rather than being that massively overpaid baldy guy who looks like a washed up Fernando Torres and scores goals occasionally in cup competitions when he is playing european teams from countries with a GDP lower than his weekly wage or lower league teams who have transfer budgets smaller than the sum of money he got paid for that Samsung advert where he baked a cake.
Luis Suarez has pledged to 'try his best' for Liverpool. Whether he's promising to try his best not to bite anyone or say anything obviously racist or hand in a transfer request or take a massive shit in the corner of the pitch is not entirely clear at this stage.
Great Britain keeper Jack Butland has switched sunny Stoke for beautiful Barnsley in an emergency loan deal. Jack, of course, played for Birmingham last season having come through the ranks and made a big impression. He also kept goal for Team GB in the Olympics and then in January 2013 he turned down the chance to move to the likes of Liverpool and Chelsea and United in order to get more first team football, signing a deal with Stoke City, which is why he's now moving onwards and upwards joining a team that's leakier than the fucking Titanic.
Roberto Mancini is apparently in the frame to take over at Galatasaray after they relieved Fatih Terim of his duties. Mancini is presumably hoping to follow in the footsteps of Frank Rijkaard who, after leaving his job as Barcelona manager in 2008 moved to Galatasaray, over time he fell out of awareness in the big leagues and he most recently spent time in charge of the Saudi Arabian national team, that is until they sacked him, he now works for a Florida prep school. But seriously Robbie, good luck.
Michael Laudrup has said that Leroy Lita's time in the Swansea first-team has come to an end, which seems regrettable, Lita himself will presumably be disappointed to see his time come to an end so soon after it didn't even start in the first place.
Zlatan Ibrahimovic has added another 1 million pounds to his annual salary, now taking home a totally reasonable 12.6 million pounds per year, which should at least be able to buy him a less shit haircut or maybe a personality transplant.
Chris Hughton's job as Norwich manager is under threat after their average start to the season. The club's directors naturally see the Canaries as obvious challengers for a place in the top 4, and failure to secure even Europa League football would, of course, be a massive massive disaster for a team which includes the likes of Michael Turner, Russell Martin, Bradley Johnson and a goalkeeper with the surname of Ruddy.
The race to fill Paulo Di Canio's military issue grenade-launching combat boots is ongoing. Gus Poyet is rumoured to be out in front with Tony Pulis lagging behind him, with Gianfranco Zola, temporary incumbent Kevin Ball and Steve McLaren still further back, although it may be Gus' for the taking if Zola isn't interested, Ball isn't deemed experienced enough and McLaren trips over his umbrella.
Finally, Carlo Ancelotti has promised that his team can still score goals, even in the absence of Mesut Ozil. And it is seemingly true that Madrid are capable of finding the back of the net without the little German, so long as the ref is bribed and Cristiano Ronaldo doesn't mind doing it absolutely all on his own.
If you missed Wednesday's Capital One LDV Vans Coca-Cola Shield action then here is a roundup of what happened...
- Some 12-year-olds from anywhere except North London joined forces with Nicklarse Bendtner to help Arsenal to victory over West Bromwich Albion after a penalty shootout at the Hawthorns.
- Mark Hughes' Stoke all-stars saw off Tranmere Rovers with help from a cheeky goal by the big man with a good touch for a big man and a shit touch for a giant panda Peter Crouch, and a rare goal for Stephen 'yes, I am still a professional footballer' Ireland.
- Le Toon brushed aside Leeds United in a result some people will insist on reading far too much into.
- The holders Swansea were eliminated by Birmingham City's not actual brilliance.
- And David Moyes' Manchester United saw off Liverpool at Old Trafford with the aid of the worst marking I have ever encountered in all my years of watching under-7's football.
