Now that's what i call Saturday volume 8375

Rickie Lambert sensationally revealed in his post-match interview that it feels good to be part of a team which is near the top of the table, Manuel Pellegrini sensationally revealed he wasn't happy when his team lost at football, Michael Laudrup made the controversial claim that his team may have lost because they conceded more goals than they scored, Aaron Ramsey astonishingly announced that it was 'nice to get on the scoresheet', David Moyes has unearthed a complicated problem with his sides performance; namely that they 'didn't attack well at times', Saido Berahino surprised everyone by announcing that it was 'great' to score at Old Trafford, and finally Steve Bruce has said that until you see things it is often hard to know what they are.


Arsenal now lead the Premier Division table ahead of Spurs and Chelsea, who did them the favour of not beating each other. Southampton are in the top 4 by virtue of something, although I don't know what it is I'm basically sure it was someone else's fault. Fulham are in the relegation zone by virtue of an exciting mixture of bad players and mismanagement, but that should all change once their lucky talisman, the Michael Jackson statue, is replaced by the one they've commissioned of Freddy Mercury. Crystal Palace are one place below them in 19th by virtue of owning the players that they own and have done themselves no favours by being the current holders of the 'they shouldn't even be there in the first place' award. Manchester United, meanwhile, are currently the filling of a Welsh sandwich, sitting in 12th between Cardiff, who have Mutch to thank Jordan for, and Swansea.

Nigel Clough is out of a job, begging an obvious question - namely, if you're going to sack him now why not sack him at any other point in the last 4 years when he's been doing basically the same inconsistent thing? Anyway 4 years of win 1, lose 1 football at Pride Park has finally come to an end, Nigel can now look forward to joining Alan Curbishley on the list of managers who nobody seems to want to hire.
 
David Moyes, in what was an undeniably erotically charged and provocative post-match interview, stated that 'you are always going to get bad results in football' before going on to say that is important 'how you deal with them' and so far he has dealt with his bad results by piling more on top of them. He presumably thinks that if he piles up enough negatives they will eventually congeal into a positive (although it may not be a positive for him but for the club generally, the positive being that after months of negative achievement Moyes is sacked).


Jose Mourinho has expressed his enragement with Spurs' Jan Vertonghen after the Belgian almost dirtied Fernando Torres' fingernails when the Spaniard attempted to rip his face off with them. He has further expressed the opinion that his team would've gone on to win had it not been for an admittedly shit yellow card decision handed to Nando for a challenge so lacking in malice it could easily have been a misunderstood hug.

Leeds and Milwall managed to produce a game in which nobody died, no legs were broken, no bottles were smashed over anybody's head and nobody said anything reported in the media as having been severely racist, for this the football league are presumably going to give them a big award saying 'well done for not killing each other'.

In Spanish soccerball Gareth Bale made absolutely no impact as part of a Real Madrid team that made absolutely no impact on a game they thoroughly deserved to lose against rivals Atletico. Elsewhere Barca went on breaking records, now having won 7 in a row since the start of the season, winning 2-0 against something called Almeria.

Ian Holloway has said he is 'annoyed' by the dive which got Marouane Chamakh booked against Southampton, he is presumably 'annoyed' that it wasn't a better dive or else it might've actually won a penalty. He might've also have been 'annoyed' that his striker showed about as much confidence in front of goal as a cat would show faced with the inside of a wood-chipper. Or else maybe he was just 'annoyed' to realise that he actually owned the dodgy haired Morroccan.

The BBC Sport website is asking the question 'What's Inside a Footballers Contract?' - I'm predicting a combination of words and numbers. Elsewhere on the Beeb, Lineker spiced up MOTD by asking fans to vote for whether they thought United or City would finish higher in the league, a vote which occasioned no further discussion and served no plausible purpose.

Underfire Fulham boss Martin Jol has called for calm from the clubs fans, who expressed their frustration at the teams early season form by tutting loudly and throwing their Guardian wallcharts onto the pitch. There are concerns that if the poor form continues then attendances could drop, affecting the clubs finances and sales at the Craven Cottage half-time deli counter.

Liverpool's child dizzy on lemonade, Jordan Henderson, has backed Kevin Ball to take the Sunderland job on full-time. He has also given his weighty and meaningful support to Angela Merkel's re-election as German chancellor and to the Social Democrat party in the upcoming Austrian elections.

Robbie Fowler was made to apologise after suggesting on Final Score that Vertonghen and Torres were 'fighting like girls', presumably he would rather Nando had behaved like the typical footballer outside a nightclub and beaten the Belgian half to death. The BBC was flooded by complaints, and the comments caused a degree of controversy, one commenter on the Mirror website suggested that Fowler being made to apologise was 'All thats wrong with this once great country' - I'm now going to track down 'Da Mo' and introduce him to George Osbourne, David Cameron and the north.

Charlotte Green, the person who reads the scores on 5Live, managed to do her highly challenging job without massively fucking anything up. Her exceptional achievement of reading words from a screen into a microphone really has set her apart from the rest of humanity. The 'experienced and reliable' broadcaster drew upon all of her experience and reliableness when she saw what some words were and then read them out in the order they were written. The performance itself was immediately described as flawless, an achievement that really stands out as one of the greats in the history of human endeavour. Green 'cruised through the classified scores with plenty of poise and little fuss', managing to avoid saying 'fuck', or making any seriously offensive remarks. She reached a dramatic finale, prefaced with the astonishing and unmissable improvised words 'and finally', words which really came home to me because that was the moment it was 'finally' fucking over and I thought I might've fucking heard the mother fucking last of it for fucks fucking sake. Green had always dreamed of one day following in the footsteps of James Alexander Somethingorother, and so it really does just show that if you dream small enough you can fulfil your ambitions. Green's story has filled me with hope that I may one day be able to replace my washer and dryer or perhaps even get a new fridge. This, incidentally, is the last time I am ever going to mention this story again because it is giving me a fucking aneurysm.