Since we're developing a theme of Beeb-bashing here, let's begin with the contentless low-drone that is officially listed on the schedule as 'Football Focus', a programme hosted by man in a personality vaccuum Dan 'captain boring' Walker. He is the first big problem, Walker has fewer opinions than a bucket of sand and seems to know slightly less about football than your average office chair, he also presents the show like he is a child hoping to one day become a big boy journalist, and he's also everywhere across BBC football coverage, with his uniquely boring and uninformed take on footballing developments, standing around asking inane questions while dressed like a window dummy in House of fucking Fraser. The second severe deficiency is in the content, or total lack thereof. I will now reproduce a typical FF interview, the interviewer is Garth Crooks (GC), the interviewee is Robin Van Persie (RVP) -
GC: hi Robin
RVP: hello
GC: Robin, you score lots of goals
RVP: yes
GC: are you planning to keep doing that?
RVP: yes
GC: do you remember playing for Arsenal?
RVP: yes
GC: what was that like?
RVP: sometimes good
GC: do you remember playing for Arsenal?
RVP: yes
GC: what was that like?
RVP: sometimes good
GC: you have a match at the weekend...
RVP: yes
GC: do you think you will win?
RVP: i would like to win this match. It is important to win games.
GC: finally, is Wayne Rooney good?
RVP: yes
GC: and you like being in the same team as him?
RVP: yes
GC: and you like being in the same team as him?
RVP: yes
...beyond the content is the analysis, usually provided by the boring mans sewing machine Dion Dublin, or the boring mans carpet showroom Kevin Kilbane, or the BBC wildcard Robbie 'not very fucking' Savage. Let's, in fact, focus on Savage, who the BBC themselves describe as 'outspoken'. Not insightful or intelligent or even capable of semi-rational thought, but 'outspoken', just remember this is 'outspoken' by the standards of Captain Boring, Captain Sewing Machine and Captain Carpet Right. Tomorrow's lively and enthralling installment of Fifty Focusing Shades of Footballing Beige is being broadcast live from Hull and features an interview with Tom Huddlestone, or if that all sounds like too much fun then you could just throw some paint at a wall and spend an afternoon watching it dry.
Once the early afternoon Funball Focus is over and we reach Final Score, now presented by robotic Welshman Jason Somethingorother, who sits opposite a combination of Crooks, Claridge, Kilbane, Danny Murphy and Savage discussing, in the most inconsequential terms, things you arent able to watch happening. Whilst Soccer Saturday compensates with entertainers, Final Score compensates with the drivveliest drivvel. Where Le Tis and Thommo and Kammy provide humour, heated debate and enhancement of the dramatic aspects, the BBC team provide fewer frills than a sack of rubble.
Finally there is Match of the Day, which has in its favour the goals and highlights carefully selected from each game, the problem is in-between them, when Lineker and Friends set about 'discussing' the plainly bloody obvious and saying exactly what's already been said. The lack of freshness and insight on MOTD is just one of the reasons that BBC football coverage has become so detestably awful and intolerably dull, which is why I return to the plan I have already outlined for salvaging the programme, just fucking sack everyone.
Off the subject of the Beeb, AVB has publically announced that Jose Mourinho is not his friend, presumably he followed up the announcement by listing off other people who are not his friends - Queen Elizabeth, Frank Skinner, Ed Milliband, Nicholas Parsons etc. Jose has said that Tottenham are capable of winning the title themselves, although to be fair even Tottenham aren't actually saying that. Mourinho went on to further stoke the fires of a not particularly bitter feud by saying he doesn't care what AVB says, and he then presumably made a list of other people who say things he doesn't care about - Queen Elizabeth, Frank Skinner, Miranda Hart etc.
Robbie Savage turned his outspoken tongue (a tongue frequently outspoken by particularly eloquent mice) to Javier Hernandez, suggesting the Mexican with the nickname on the back of his shirt (what in fuck was wrong with his actual name? Does it have a silent 'fuck' at the beginning?) is being wasted at Manchester United. I would contend, quite rightly, that he is used as well as he could be used being that he is a player who offers nothing except goal poaching attributes. It is difficult to use a player who makes such a minimal contribution to overall play. Savage thinks Hfuckernandez should move clubs, though Savage's opinion is about as reliable as the sort of opinion a slow 4-year-old could give you about quantum fucking field theory.
Simon Mignolet has described team-mate Luis Suarez as a 'nice fella', a description he may have intended comparatively, he may have been saying that Suarez is a nicer fella than, for instance, Ian Huntley or Roy Keane. Mignolet is, presumably, putting forward the suggestion that we've all got the wrong end of the stick about the arm-chewing racist Uruguayan, and let's give him the benefit of the doubt, let's say he's not an arm-chewer (although he definitely is) or a massive racist (which is allegedly is), that doesn't stop him from being quite obviously (at least) a bit of a cunt.
Stan 'the man' Kroenke has, apparently, got his sights set on the title, whether that's the Premier division title or the Capital One LDV Vans Coca-Cola Littlewoods Shield is hard to say at this stage, though I would propose the latter to be a more realistic ambition for a team that is about as used to winning trophies as Wokingham Town.
So with the Andy Carroll gamble having back-fired to the tune of one injury that a blind polar bear could've seen coming Carlton Cole is set to be offered a short-term return to Upton Park, in the hope that he can supply the sort of firepower he never ever remotely offered the first time around. In another timely boost for Hammers boss Big Sam, Stewie Downing may be fit for their trip to Hull, which is a massive positive for a team that has been lacking in terms of mishit crosses and running done only ever in completely straight lines.
Rickie Lambert is of the belief that he can provide a 'different option' for the England squad and is desperate to play in Brazil. Putting aside his lack of goals in the EPL and the obvious comparisons with Grant 'I've finally gone back to playing in the football league' Holt's emergence at Norwich, it is hard to disagree with Lambert's suggestion that he offers something different because he definitely does, the England squad contains players like the pacey Theo Walcott and the skilful Jack Wilshere and the defensively solid Gary Cahill, what none of these players supplies is the sort of abject redundancy that Rickie can bring to the set up.
Sean Dyche is apparently now considered to be 'in the race' to become the next Sunderland manager. Whether the big fella can outrun Gus Poyet or Rene Meulensteen remains to be seen, but it's certainly an interesting option, opting for someone who certainly does know how to get a team of half-decent players in reach of the top 6 in the second tier, which is obviously what Sunderland will want once they've been relegated.
Good news for Arsene Wenger, as it seems Aaron Ramsey will be available for their game at the weekend, which will be a relief for the Gunners boss who might've feared he would be without his chief goal-getter and the next player in a line that has included Fabregas, Nasri and Van Persie to now become the driving force behind the Gunners and, from next season, the driving force behind a team that might actually win something - like United, Barcelona or City.
Not giving Patrice Evra any time to settle down after a Summer of indirectly telling him they didn't want him anymore, Moyes is now apparently chasing Madrid's Fabio Coentrao, though with his record in the transfer market since taking over expect Moyes to end up signing Phil Jagielka or Shane sodding Duffy or Marouane Fellaini again.
Sol Campbell has said that he thinks it is difficult to for black managers to get a chance in management in this country. I would say to him, just look at Paul Ince or Chris Hughton or....Chris Powell or....someone else....or Brian Deane, no wait, he had to go to Norway to establish himself in management....well maybe he has a point.
Robbie Savage turned his outspoken tongue (a tongue frequently outspoken by particularly eloquent mice) to Javier Hernandez, suggesting the Mexican with the nickname on the back of his shirt (what in fuck was wrong with his actual name? Does it have a silent 'fuck' at the beginning?) is being wasted at Manchester United. I would contend, quite rightly, that he is used as well as he could be used being that he is a player who offers nothing except goal poaching attributes. It is difficult to use a player who makes such a minimal contribution to overall play. Savage thinks Hfuckernandez should move clubs, though Savage's opinion is about as reliable as the sort of opinion a slow 4-year-old could give you about quantum fucking field theory.
Simon Mignolet has described team-mate Luis Suarez as a 'nice fella', a description he may have intended comparatively, he may have been saying that Suarez is a nicer fella than, for instance, Ian Huntley or Roy Keane. Mignolet is, presumably, putting forward the suggestion that we've all got the wrong end of the stick about the arm-chewing racist Uruguayan, and let's give him the benefit of the doubt, let's say he's not an arm-chewer (although he definitely is) or a massive racist (which is allegedly is), that doesn't stop him from being quite obviously (at least) a bit of a cunt.
Stan 'the man' Kroenke has, apparently, got his sights set on the title, whether that's the Premier division title or the Capital One LDV Vans Coca-Cola Littlewoods Shield is hard to say at this stage, though I would propose the latter to be a more realistic ambition for a team that is about as used to winning trophies as Wokingham Town.
So with the Andy Carroll gamble having back-fired to the tune of one injury that a blind polar bear could've seen coming Carlton Cole is set to be offered a short-term return to Upton Park, in the hope that he can supply the sort of firepower he never ever remotely offered the first time around. In another timely boost for Hammers boss Big Sam, Stewie Downing may be fit for their trip to Hull, which is a massive positive for a team that has been lacking in terms of mishit crosses and running done only ever in completely straight lines.
Rickie Lambert is of the belief that he can provide a 'different option' for the England squad and is desperate to play in Brazil. Putting aside his lack of goals in the EPL and the obvious comparisons with Grant 'I've finally gone back to playing in the football league' Holt's emergence at Norwich, it is hard to disagree with Lambert's suggestion that he offers something different because he definitely does, the England squad contains players like the pacey Theo Walcott and the skilful Jack Wilshere and the defensively solid Gary Cahill, what none of these players supplies is the sort of abject redundancy that Rickie can bring to the set up.
Sean Dyche is apparently now considered to be 'in the race' to become the next Sunderland manager. Whether the big fella can outrun Gus Poyet or Rene Meulensteen remains to be seen, but it's certainly an interesting option, opting for someone who certainly does know how to get a team of half-decent players in reach of the top 6 in the second tier, which is obviously what Sunderland will want once they've been relegated.
Good news for Arsene Wenger, as it seems Aaron Ramsey will be available for their game at the weekend, which will be a relief for the Gunners boss who might've feared he would be without his chief goal-getter and the next player in a line that has included Fabregas, Nasri and Van Persie to now become the driving force behind the Gunners and, from next season, the driving force behind a team that might actually win something - like United, Barcelona or City.
Not giving Patrice Evra any time to settle down after a Summer of indirectly telling him they didn't want him anymore, Moyes is now apparently chasing Madrid's Fabio Coentrao, though with his record in the transfer market since taking over expect Moyes to end up signing Phil Jagielka or Shane sodding Duffy or Marouane Fellaini again.
Sol Campbell has said that he thinks it is difficult to for black managers to get a chance in management in this country. I would say to him, just look at Paul Ince or Chris Hughton or....Chris Powell or....someone else....or Brian Deane, no wait, he had to go to Norway to establish himself in management....well maybe he has a point.
A notable feud is reignited this weekend when Leeds United travel to Milwall in what may turn into a battle to see who has the nuttiest fans. Expect a lot of violence and a lot of aggression, and expect similar behaviour from the supporters. Do not expect good football, do expect something that tourists might mistake for a memorial reenactment of the Battle of the Somme, only with slightly more carnage and a lot more El-Hadji Diouf.
