For those of you who preordered Football Manager 2014 and are awaiting the early release of the BETA version, take solace in the fact that semi-decent professional footballers already have it. This is because they give 'invaluable feedback' since they are in the industry. Yes, that's fair, I'm sure ADAM LE FONDRE will give eloquent, inspired and intelligent feedback. It seems his inter team is dominating Italian football - well that was fucking invaluable, well done, you've transformed the game, and what a lot of time you have to play, spending the first 80 minutes of every actual match you're professionally invited to turn up for on the bench, the rest of the week that doesn't encompass those 11 minutes I'm sure has given you plenty of time to become an intelligent and able video-game critic, or maybe this is a cheap marketing ploy by FM - giving the game to people with plenty of fucking Twitter followers so they can spread the word. It's not that, it's not that because they've got PONTUS WERNBLOOM testing it - PONTUS WERNBLOOM gets the game FOR FREE on account of his being PONTUS WERNBLOOM, if only I'd known in advance I'd have become PONTUS WERNBLOOM instead of being the competent and productive member of society I basically am. And who else is on this elite list of persons given privileged access to the game in exchange for 'EXPERT' (MASSIVE INVERTED COMMAS) feedback - well from the evidence I can gather there's Watford 'star' BERNARD MENSAH, who is slightly more anonymous than my left bollock. Then they've drafted in the discerning insight of some guy from Reverend and the Makers, congratulations you're in a shit band, have a free copy of our game. Because they ARE going to provide insights, being industry insiders and industry experts and not just quite famous people who may have expressed an interest. It's not about that. They DEFINITELY WERE NOT asked to promote the game via Twitter, it's pure coincidence that they just have happened to do EXACTLY THAT. Shit bands are notoriously who Apple go to when testing new phones, and of course when a new car comes out it's only after it's been rigorously tested by the fucking drummer from fucking Muse. It's true, who else but shit bands is there to give 'INVALUABLE FEEDBACK' (actual quote) about the game - not the people who play it, not the fans of the game, nah, it's bands, it's definitely bands, it's always bands, you've got to run it past the sort of discerning sort of person who would spend their life trying to make something that someone somewhere someday might actually describe as being 'almost music'. I mean when someone is drafting up a new policy initiative the first thing they fucking do is give fucking Marilyn fucking Manson a quick call. I want to make it clear, early access was NOT granted so that word would be spread to the sort of intolerable halfwits who use Twatter, it was NOT THAT, it was for the INSIGHTS, which I imagine weren't quite so dense as 'it's well good' or 'it's wicked cool' or 'why am I so shit on your game?' - they will have been eloquent and intelligent and insightful and useful, I mean who knows more about how to create an interactive video game than ADAM LE FONDRE and some guy from Crewe I've never even heard of? Seriously though, ALF does give a special and unique insight, I mean there isn't anyone else (probably) in the ENTIRE WORLD who can give you such a brilliant perspective of what it is like to be both redundant, slow-witted and so useful you're only ever the first name on the subs bench.
In short, go fuck yourself Football Manager, I'm not buying your fucking game. OH AND WHO IS THIS PROVIDING UNIQUE INSIGHT - WELL IT'S SHANE DUFFY - THANK GOODNESS FM will have the unique insight of someone who is both Irish and appallingly average at football, someone who has that unique combination of Irishness and footballing talent that is basically indistinguishable from that of the substitutes bench he is lucky to frequent. OOOOOO who else? Luke Wright, someone who is apparently a cricketer (APPARENTLY), who apparently provides 'GREAT FEEDBACK', well there you go. Not someone who loves the game, plays it like a full-time job, no this git - he plays Cricket, which is a sport, football is a sport, well there you go, WHY WOULDN'T YOU ASK HIM?!? Apparently PLAYING THE GAME isn't a qualification, being IN THE MEDIA (i.e. having the platform to spread word about the game) or being a sportsman (i.e. too stupid to do something actually worthwhile)...........
You know what.....
forget it........
Fuck you Miles Jacobson, fuck you Football Manager, and fuck you again Miles Jacobson.
P.S. Miles, if your dishwasher breaks ring the manufacturer, don't ring Elmo.