So I'm watching MOTD2 and I can't help but notice that Mark Lawrenson looks a bit like an old centaur recovering from a long-standing heroin addiction, Michael Owen meanwhile still looks like he's about 7 years old, and their combination as analysts is about as entertaining as having bowel cancer, so we'll turn our attention to the football. Fernando Torres is BACK, because he tapped the ball into the empty net for his first league goal since DECEMBER. Manchester United are BACK because they won 1 game and are still EIGHT points behind Arsenal, but they're BACK. Let's play the reserving judgement game, I'll believe Torres is back when I see him even listed on the goalscoring charts, and I'll believe Manchester United are back when they actually win convincingly and frequently.
1) WHY DIDN'T JOE HART ASSUME NASTASIC COULD DEAL WITH THAT SIMPLE BOUNCING BALL??
Gareth Bale scored 2 (he scored 1 very good goal and got 1 very fortunate deflection), and set up 2. He scored the first 2 goals, then Ronaldo scored 1, then Sevilla scored 2, then Ronaldo scored another 2. So let's tally up - Bale 2, Sevilla 2, Ronaldo 3 (and Benzema 2, if you were counting).
2) WHY DID JOE HART START RUNNING IN THE FIRST PLACE??
So, umm, I think that Javi Garcia is probably sleeping with Manuel Pellegrini, that's basically the only explanation for he's still allowed to inhabit a football pitch wearing a Manchester City shirt. What I also think is that when the pressure starts to lift on Moyes, as it probably will in coming weeks when United dispatch Fulham & Arsenal, then it is probably going to come down quite heavily on Manuel, who could really use a few home games right about now. Speaking of City, Jack Rodwell is still alive - apparently.
3) WASN'T IT TOTALLY UNNECESSARY FOR JOE HART TO GET INVOLVED AT ALL??
Mathieu Flamini is going to miss key games for the Gunners, meaning the Gunners are now going to very quickly stop being top of the league. Oh well, fun while it lasted...
4) WHAT DID JOE HART ACTUALLY THINK HE WAS GOING TO DO TO HELP THE SITUATION??
Thinking about it, the next series of Masterchef might be a David Moyes v Manuel Pellegrini head-to-head if they keep making such a meal out of it. Pellegrini has used ingredients such as Jack Rodwell and Javi Garcia to make a scraped win in the Crapital Two Mickey Mouse LDV Vans Why Do We Even Bother Wasting Everyone's Time Cup, whilst David Moyes has used Tom Cleverley to make a slightly more exciting meal out of Stoke City.
5) SERIOUSLY WHAT DOES JOE HART THINK IS GOING TO HAPPEN ONCE HE'S CHARGED OUT OF HIS PENALTY AREA??
So I'm watching the Football League Show, and the Spurs game goes to penalties and the commentator narrating Eric Lamela's penalty says he was bought at great expense from Lazio, which he wasn't, he then says that this is only Gedo's second game in English football, which it definitely wasn't, and then he claimed that Nick Proschwitz was inevitably going to score because he was German, which he isn't. Isn't his job basically to have things to say about football? He has the simplest job in the world, and still manages to screw it up - it's like hiring a golf commentator who doesn't know what a par 4 is. But then Sky do employ Niall Quinn, BT Sport employ Michael 'duller than a sack of scrabble tiles' Owen, and the BBC still seem to also think that John Motson isn't as out of touch as he obviously is.
6) WHAT IS WRONG WITH JOE HART'S BRAIN??
So I'm watching Arsenal-Chelsea, and I had a massive flashback. It was same old Chelsea, looking like classic Chelsea-under-Mourinho: solid & good on the break, and classic Wenger against Mourinho - because he lost. This is it though - they got shown up against Dortmund, exposed against Chelsea (admittedly it's never going to be an easy win if you select Nicklarse 'no, really, i am a professional footballer' Bentdnernerner), and they're going to be exposed even more against Manchester United on November 10th (oh and also against Dortmund again on November 7th). This is it, this is Arsenal's season breaking down, they've surprised everyone by plugging away so far, but now shorn of one grubby little French ball-winner they're going to slide out of contention like vomit sliding down the door of the fridge.
7) SERIOUSLY! THERE WAS JUST NO DANGER AT ALL UNTIL HART GOT INVOLVED. WHAT THE WHAT THE WHAT THE FUCKING FUCKING FUCKING FUCK WAS HE THINKY THINKY THINKY THINK THINKING?!
It wasn't just that they made a meal of dealing with a simple ball, it's that they made a 12-course banquet out of dealing with a Stoke-style hoof that was more speculative than Peter Andre's pop career.
